Follow The Sopranos Transcript F.D. » Transcripts » S » The Sopranos Print view 01x01 - The Sopranos 01x01 - The Sopranos04/14/18 11:25 [DOOR OPENS] Mr. Soprano? Yeah. Have a seat. [TONY COUGHS] My understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your physician... ...is that you collapsed. Possibly a panic attack? You were unable to breathe? They said it was a panic attack. The blood and neurological work came back negative. And they sent me here. You don't agree that you had a panic attack? How are you feeling now? Good. Fine. Back at work. What line of work are you in? Waste management consultant. It's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist. Any thoughts at all on why you blacked out? I don't know. Stress, maybe. About what? TONY: I don't know. The morning I got sick, I'd been thinking. It's good to be in something from the ground floor. And I came too late for that, I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. MELFI: Many Americans, I think, feel that way. TONY: I think about my father. He never reached the heights like me. In a lot of ways he had it better. He had his people, they had their standards, they had pride. Today, what do we got? Did you have these feelings of loss more acutely before you collapsed? I don't know. [BIRDS CHIRPING] [RUSTLING] [DUCK QUACKS] TONY: A couple months before, these two ducks landed in my pool. It was amazing. They're from Canada, and it was mating season. They had some ducklings. Come on, get some bread. [QUACKING] TONY: My daughter's friend was there to drive her to school. - Meadow, your father with those ducks. MEADOW: The yard smells like duck poo. You gotta have more than just juice for breakfast. You need brain food for school. Happy birthday, handsome. - Thirteen. - He doesn't act it. The male and female duck made a home in your pool and did it? Get out of here! You're so gross! You want some of last night's sfogliatelle? - Get out of here with that fat. - One bite. How do you stay skinny, Mrs. Soprano? Him, with those ducks. If you don't like that ramp, I'll build another. Maybe it's the wood. [QUACKING] Look, they're trying to fly. MEADOW: National Geographic, Dad. AJ: Yeah, super. AJ: You showed us yesterday. - This is great! Now my wife feels this friend is a bad influence. It's so cool you're coming to Aspen with my family at Christmas. Last year I saw Skeet Ulrich, as close as from where you're sitting. Miss Meadow, we made a deal. Keep your grades up and your curfew until Christmas, then you get to go. I know that. Good morning. HUNTER: Hey, Mr. Soprano. MEADOW: We're late, Dad. - Happy birthday. - Thanks, Dad. You're gonna be home tonight for Anthony Jr.'s birthday party, right? Birdman, hello! Yeah, yeah. I'll get home early from work. I'm not talking about work. This won't work. I can't talk about my personal life. Finish telling me about the day you collapsed. TONY: I drove to work with my nephew. He's learning the business. He's an example of what I was talking about before. Did you call Triborough Towers about the hauling contract? I got home too late. I didn't want to wake the man up. Did you get up early and call? He's always in his office by . I was nauseous. My mother told me I shouldn't even come in today. TONY: Bear in mind, this is a kid who just bought himself a $ , Lexus. - There's that guy Mahaffey. TONY: Get out. Right there. Next to the boo-boo in pink. Back up. My friend Mahaffey pulling his taffy. Hello. TONY: We saw this guy. There was an outstanding loan. One second. I don't know where this story is going. But there are a few ethical ground rules we should get out of the way. What you tell me here... ...falls under doctor/patient confidentiality. Except if I was... If I was to hear, let's say, a m*rder was to take place... Not that it would, but if. If a patient tells me a story where someone's going to get hurt... ...I'm supposed to go to the authorities. Technically. You said you were in waste management. The environment. Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician... ...is also your next-door neighbor. See what I'm saying? I don't know what happened with this fellow, I'm... I'm just saying. Nothing. We had coffee. WOMAN: Alex! MAHAFFEY: Help! Security! Help! TONY: Oh, shit. [TIRES SQUEALING] assh*le! CHRIS: Tony! Wait up! MAHAFFEY: Security! [CHUCKLES] [THUD] [MAHAFFEY WHIMPERS] You all right? My leg is broken. The bone's coming through. Let me see. I'll give you a f*cking bone, you prick! Where's my f*cking money? So you had coffee. Right. You son of a bitch, f*ck. - What are you doing? Get over here! - That's $ here. $ . Go ahead. [SCREAMS] Where's the f*cking money? MAHAFFEY: I'll get the money! I know you will. You should get a cork in your mouth because you say I'm nothing... ...compared to the people who used to run things. Prick. I'm nothing. [CRIES] Shut up. What are you crying about? HMO. You're covered. You prick. Degenerate f*cking gambler. MELFI: Go on. TONY: Next, I had a meeting. I was called in to consult by a garbage-hauling company I represent. What's the story with Triborough Towers? The manager wants the contract with Dick, but this Kolar Sanitation... Another nationwide company. The Kolar brothers. Czechoslovakian immigrants or some shit. These Polacks will haul paper, plastic and aluminum... ...for a month less than Dick. They pay us times the monthly for stealing a stop. p*ssy: That's the thing. They won't. Says if he can tell the commie bosses in Czechoslovakia to f*ck off... ...he can f*cking tell us. - I give up. - f*cking garbage business. p*ssy: Yeah, I know. It's all changing. CHRIS: Let me see what I can do. Sure? You over your stomachache? - Oh, yeah. - Good. What are you doing here? Gabriella sends me down here for the capocollo. Hey, T, let me ask you something. Didn't you used to go to school with Artie Bucco? A situation came up. It involves my uncle. I can't go into details. That's fine. But I will say this. My uncle adds to my general stress level. It's none of my business... ...but down at the club, the word is... ...your Uncle Junior is gonna whack p*ssy Malanga. He's gonna do it at Artie Bucco's restaurant. [BOAT HORN HONKS] Hey, boys. How are you? Don't move. - Uncle Junior, how you doing? - Hey. TONY: Hey, good to see you. Hi there, Chris. I was talking about you. It's Anthony Jr.'s birthday tonight, right? Don't buy him anything big, we overindulge him. Okay? ARTIE: Hey! - Artie, how's your rash? - It's itchy. Come here. - Good to see you. You'll come over? - Yeah, have a seat. You know what it means, one of these mutts gets wet in here? It'll ruin his business. You better sit down with your uncle. TONY: Uncle Junior's my father's brother. A good guy, just getting old, cranky. He used to take me to Yankee games when I was a kid. I love my uncle. At the same time, when I was young... ...he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete. Frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem. LIVIA: Who's there? It's me, Ma. LIVIA: Who are you? Ma, open the door. LIVIA: Anthony? - Yeah, it's me. Open the door. [UNLOCKS DOOR] Hi, how are you? Jeez, Ma. Get some air in here. Did you lock the door? - Yeah, I did. - Somebody called here last night. - After dark. - Who? You think I'd answer? It was dark out. Ma, I'll never understand that. The phone is auditory. Dark is an eye thing. I could understand not going out. You could get jumped. But the phone? Listen to him, he knows everything. You want some lunch? I got eggplant. No, no, I just ate. Know who I just ran into? Uncle Jun. Oh, that one. You think he ever comes to see his sister-in-law? Remember Artie Bucco? Kid I went to elementary school with? LIVIA: Oh, yeah, I still see his mother. She tells me... ...he calls her every day. Well, Uncle Junior's gonna make a problem for Artie. Could affect his livelihood. - What's that? - CD player. For who? For me? - I don't want it. - You don't want it. You love music, all the old stuff's on CD. Your favorites. "Pajama Game," Connie Francis. Here. [CONNIE FRANCIS' "WHO'S SORRY NOW?" PLAYS] Come on. Move around a bit. It's good for you. LIVIA: What? No. - Come on. Come on. - Stop it. You need to occupy your mind. When Dad died, you were gonna do things. - He was a saint. - I know he was. But he's gone. You were gonna travel, volunteer. You've done nothing. Stop telling me how to live my life. Just shut up. I just worry... And don't start with that nursing home business again. It's not a nursing home, it's a retirement community! You interact with seniors your own age, go places, do things! I've seen women in nursing homes... ...in these wheelchairs, babbling like idiots! Here, eat your eggplant. I told you, I already ate lunch. All right, listen. You just speak to Uncle Junior about Artie, okay? He respects you. He'll listen to you. If your uncle has business with Arthur, he knows what he's doing. And I don't? Well, all I know is... ...daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons. Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record. I expect to see you at Anthony Jr.'s party with your baked ziti. Only if I'm picked up and I'm brought back home. I don't drive when they're predicting rain. You're healthy. It's good for you to drive. Use it or lose it. I gotta go to work. Sure... ...run off! And that night was my son's birthday party. TONY: My wife invites the priest. He's always at the house. - Hey, Tony. - How you doing? - You like crème anglaise? - You bless it, I'll eat it. She's not coming. CARMELA: Who? - Grandma just called. She started crying and hung up. - She needs a purpose. - She's tougher than you think. - So, what? No f*cking ziti now? ADULTS: Hey! [HUMS] [QUACKING] [CHUCKLES] TONY: At first it felt like... ...ginger ale in my skull. [WHEEZES] MEADOW: Mom, Daddy just fell! Mom! CARMELA: Oh, my God. Tony! Get back! MEADOW: Daddy! Dad! CARMELA: Anthony Jr., call . [MACHINE CLICKS] TONY: Dr. Cusamano put me in the hospital, gave me every kind of test. Okay. Hey! Carm. - Thought you might want some company. - Yeah. : in the morning. - How are the kids? - They're worried about you. I told Anthony Jr. we'd rain-check his birthday. Think I got a brain tumor? Well, we're gonna find out. What a bedside manner. Very encouraging. What, are you gonna not know? We had some good times. Had some good years. Here he goes with the nostalgia. No marriage is perfect. Having that goomar on the side helps. I'm not seeing her anymore. What about that priest? Don't even go there. Father is a spiritual mentor. He's making me a better Catholic! Well, we all got different needs. What's different between us is, you're going to hell when you die. [SIGHS] [MACHINE HUMS] TONY: My nephew, Christopher, was handling the garbage contract problem. But on this I will also not go into detail. [BRAKES SQUEAK] [CAR DOOR OPENS] EMIL: Emil Kolar. CHRIS: Chris Moltisanti. EMIL: Hey, in Czech Republic too, we love pork. You ever have our sausages? CHRIS: No. I thought the only sausages they had was Italian and Jimmy Dean's. See what you learn when you cross cultures and shit? My Uncle Evzen doesn't know I came. If we make any progress, I'll tell him. Hey, we have to make progress, Emil. We gotta stop the madness. Business is changing, we're the younger generation. We have issues in common. Emil. Where'd you go to high school? Was it Poland? I'm not Polish. Czechoslovakian, that's a type of Polack, right? We came here when I was . I went to West Essex. You used to play my cousin Gregory in football, he... - Where's the stuff? - Yes, yes, yes. The reason for the visit. We got it all deployed for you. Taste the wares, Emil. Emil. [EMIL SNORTS] [g*n] The doctors kept me hanging about the tests, as doctors will do. So my uncle and I played a round of golf and had lunch. You keep mentioning your uncle. What's the problem? Who do you think you are? I'm the person who says how things go, that's who. Artie's dinner business is nice, upscale people from the suburbs. Don't ruin his life. Vesuvio is where p*ssy feels safe. He's been eating here all his life. You k*ll him someplace else. You may run North Jersey, but you don't run your uncle! How many f*cking hours did I spend playing catch with you? MELFI: Can we focus more on your immediate family? TONY: My wife and daughter were not getting along. Darn, these laser discs are incredible! Tony watches Godfather II. He says it looks just like the movie theater. Gordon Willis. Tony prefers II, not I? He likes where Vito goes back to Sicily. With III, he was like, "What happened?" Where does Tony rank Goodfellas? [CLANKING] What, do you have raccoons? - Somebody's jimmying a window. - What? PHIL: You have all these security lights, who would try and? Oh, no. Jeez, Louise! Hold it! Meadow. I noticed the glass rattles every time I walk to the laundry room. Do we have any putty? Don't give me that. You snuck out! What's going on? You locked my bedroom window so I'd get caught. Normal people thought you were upstairs doing your homework! You have become a master of lying and conniving. I know I'm grounded. Patrick's swim meet is tomorrow, and he needed me! Grounded for this? Oh, no, you're not grounded. You're not going to Aspen with Hunter Scangarelo! AJ: Yes! But this shit I'm telling you... ...it'll all blow over. Didn't you admit to Dr. Cusamano that you were feeling depressed? TONY: "Melfi." What part of the boot you from? Dr. Melfi. My father's people were from Caserta. Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together. Anxiety attacks are legitimate psychiatric emergencies. Suppose you were driving and you passed out. Let me tell you something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks and counselors... ...and go on Sally Jessy Raphael and talk about their problems. Whatever happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type? That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. They didn't realize once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings... ...they wouldn't be able to shut him up! So it's dysfunction this and that! And dysfunction va fangool! You have strong feelings about this. I had a semester and a half of college... ...so I understand Freud. I understand therapy as a concept. But in my world, it does not go down. Could I be happier? Yeah. Yeah. Who couldn't? Do you feel depressed? Do you feel depressed? Since the ducks left... I guess. The ducks that preceded your losing consciousness. Let's talk about them. [GRUNTING] You can't blame T for being pissed. You should have waited. That's the last time I show any f*cking initiative. Imagine how I felt? T's running down the business... ...I f*cking wet a guy to keep one of our stops. He's not running it down. It's just getting harder in New York. CHRIS: One. Two. Three. Come on! - This is f*cked up. - What, p*ssy? The Kolar uncle is gonna find the kid dead on one of his bins... ...and get out of our f*cking business? No way. "Louis Brassi sleeps with the fishes." Luca Brassi. - Luca. - Whatever. There's differences, Christopher. From the Luca Brassi situation and this? Look, if the Kolars know the kid is dead, it hardens their position. Plus, now the cops are looking for a f*cking m*rder. What do you want to do? He disappears. He never comes home. They know, but they don't know. They hope maybe he'll turn up... if. Come on. Let's get him. p*ssy: Got him? Take him to Staten Island, I'll cut him up. p*ssy, you know, with T collapsing at the birthday... ...what would you do if he was, like, disabled? Why would you even ask that? Our lecture series in action. Someone from the university discussing... ...the novels of, I believe, Zora Neale Hurston. Didn't you just read her in school, Med? It's very nice. You know, Grandma, this place is neat. You should really think about it. DIRECTOR: This room was renovated last year. What goes on behind there? DIRECTOR: Those doors lead to our nursing unit. This is a nursing home! This is a residence, but just in case... No, you're not getting me into a nursing home. You're not listening to what she's saying. Women in wheelchairs, babbling like idiots! Ma, you're not listening. You think you're so high and mighty, don't you? With your fancy office. Anthony, people come here to die! [VASE SHATTERS] Oh, my God! Somebody get a doctor. So you've come back for help. Don't look at that as a defeat. She's one of those who grew up during the Depression. But the Depression to her was a trip to Six Flags. There's that "D" word again. [SIGHS] Stay with your mother. Now that my father's dead, he's a saint. When he was alive, nothing. My dad was tough, he ran his own crew. A guy like that and my mother wore him down to a little nub. He was a squeaking little gerbil when he died. Quite a formidable maternal presence. I gotta be honest. I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work, either. Why? Well, because of RICO. - Is he your brother? - No. The RICO Statutes. Oh, of course, right. You read the papers? You know, the government's using electronic surveillance... ...and various legal strategies to squeeze my business. Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living? Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown. Laughing on the outside... ...crying on the inside. See, things are trending downward. Used to be, a guy got pinched, he took his prison jolt. Everybody upheld a code of silence. Nowadays, no values. Guys today have no room for the penal experience. So everybody turns government witness. I feel exhausted just talking about it. Well, with today's pharmacology, no one needs to suffer... ...with feelings of exhaustion and depression. Here we go. Here comes the Prozac. [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] Mahaffey doesn't have it. What do you mean he doesn't have it? He doesn't have the money. How can he not have the money? The man does not have the money. We ran the man over with the car. T, himself. The man has no wiggle room. He's bled dry. So... ...I hear Junior wants to whack p*ssy Bompensiero? - p*ssy Malanga. - Oh, Little p*ssy. You think he's gonna f*ck with Big p*ssy? My p*ssy? Andrea. Stay with drinks on the house all night. ANDREA: Sorry, Mr. Dante. SILVIO: It's okay. So your uncle resents that you're the boss. The sadness accrues. Your uncle's had a hard-on his whole life. First, against your father, his younger brother... ...because he was a made man before him. And now, you. So, sure, he can't stomach your telling him what to do. Hesh, I love the man. The man is driven in toto by his insecurities. I feel bad I was the messenger. Your friend Artie, with the restaurant. Get him out of town. That way the restaurant closes, the hit goes down someplace else. You old f*cking Jew. No wonder my old man kept you around so long. So what about this f*cking Jew's on Mahaffey's ? Mahaffey has a new business partner... ...you. These HMOs pay out millions... ...to doctors, hospitals, whatever. That MRI I had, $ a pop. Now, we give this Mahaffey a choice. Either his company pays out phony claims... ...to fake clinics we set up... ...or he pays Hesh the grand he owes him... ...which we know he cannot do. Or it's a rainy night in Lyndhurst. Very smart. Could be major. Could be as good as garbage. - Garbage is our bread and butter. - Was. [KNOCKING] CARMELA: Miss Meadow! So, Med. I'm not going. Every year, on this date, since you were itty-bitty... ...Mom and Meadow get all dolled up... ...drive into New York Plaza Hotel for tea under Eloise's portrait. Look, where's yours? I have too much homework. Meadow, its our little tradition! We always have so much fun! To tell you the truth, I felt it was dumb since I was ! I just go because you like it. Here I thought this was something we would do long after you got married... ...with girls of your own. Hopefully I won't be living around here by then. COMPUTER: You've got mail. Meadow, you can't just lie and cheat and break the rules you don't like! What? You have something you want to say? Mom, do you have any idea how much it means to go skiing in Aspen? Do you think that'll happen every year? Like lame tea and scones at the Plaza Hotel? - Goodbye. - Close my door, please. Artie. ARTIE: Give me a drop. Oh! A drop, not a spurt. Soave, a drop! - How are you? - All right. Stir the meatballs. - Could you help me out? - Yeah, what do you need? Cruise. Caribbean. S.S. Sagafjord, th through the th. Pair of tickets. I can't use them. Can you take them off my hands? - Where'd they come from? CHRIS: Comps. Comps? What does that mean? As manager for the Kitchen and Restaurant Workers Union... ...I administer the dental plan. You listening to me? A couple of dentists got together and awarded me these tickets. The problem is, I can't get away those dates. [ARTIE LAUGHS] Here. When was your last vacation? - Anthony, thank you. - All right. Mr. Soprano? [SIGHS] CHARMAINE: You cannot accept a gift like that from Tony Soprano! No way! Listen to me, Charmaine... ...if I stick my hand up the ass of one more lobster without a break... ...I'm gonna go postal. I don't even want to talk about it anymore, please! Art, Melissa, come on, honey. It's time to go home. You have to get away. We have to get away for the marriage. No! It's bad enough that these mobsters patronize the place, okay? So what? We're not connected. Right. Because we just turned down those tickets! But the tickets were comps. Tony is a labor leader. Arthur, please. Grow up! Does the mind not rebel at any scenario under which dentists... ...are sending the don of New Jersey first class on a Norwegian steamship? Come on, Arthur, somebody donated their kneecaps for those tickets! Herman, there is no way I can subvert my f*cking company. Have them pay claims for MRIs that never happened? - The paperwork will look real. - How do I not get caught? I hate to hear you knocking yourself. You're a smart guy. I'm depressed. I'm so f*cking depressed I can't eat, sleep. - You on Prozac? - Zoloft. It's similar. - It's supposed to help with gambling. - No shit. This new generation of antidepressants... ...are supposed to be useful against compulsive behaviors. That's a shame. A medication comes along after your gambling... ...gets your f*cking hip busted to shit. I'm trying not to be cynical. Your debt and the feelings surrounding it is the source of all your problems. I'm sorry I haven't paid you, Herman. I know you are. And I never meant to denigrate Tony Soprano. - Want to walk on the rocks? - Crutches, I can't. It's beautiful out there. Come on, we'll help you. I go out there to think. [CAR STARTS] Thanks, but no. Let's try it. What you were saying before with the MRIs and... [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS] PAULIE: T! Dick's looking for you! Hey, Tony, I just heard from Triborough Towers. The Kolar brothers withdrew their bid. That's good. That's good. Listen, by the way, Artie Bucco's here to see you. - I gotta go, guys. - Take care. TONY: Artie! Artie, you all right? - I can't. - What are you talking about? We discussed this. You gotta leave town. I'm sorry. NILS: This is unacceptable. I made a reservation two weeks ago. Sir, people are not leaving, and there are five parties ahead of you. - So what would you like...? - Can I help you? I tore her a new one. Why don't we just go to another restaurant and eat? We're here. OWNER: Mr. Soprano, how you doing? Good to see you. TONY: How you doing? - Signora. - Hello. This way. Excuse me. IRINA: Sweetie-pie, I'm hungry. Tony, where you going? Hey. How are you? Good. You come here? When possible. Those decorating tips you gave me, they really work. Good. How you doing? MELFI: Nils, Nils? Do you know who that was? Well, I mean, obviously you do. What, is he a patient? You know I can't say. Decorating tips, yeah, right. Nils, shut the f*ck up. Mr. Borglund, they're setting up your table now. Whoa. IRINA: Who was that woman at the restaurant? TONY: My decorator. What? You're redoing the garbage dump? TONY: That's funny. Hey, you better not mess with that hat! [IRINA GIGGLES] Come on, it's JFK's hat! I bought it at that auction. Give me that! Irina, Jesus. I know there is something more intimate between you and her. Nothing intimate. We just talk. Mr. Soprano, buona sera. We don't see you. Where you been? [SPEAKS ITALIAN] You know, sometimes... ...life is good. Life is often good. Regaleali, for example. You've been in good spirits the last couple days. Carmela, there's something I gotta confess. What are you doing? Getting my wine in position to throw in your face! You're always with the drama. Confess already, please. Get it over with! I'm on Prozac. Oh. Oh, my God. I been seeing a therapist. Oh, my God. I think that's great. I think that's wonderful! I think that's so gutsy! - Take it easy. - But I think that's very wonderful. You'd think I was Hannibal Lecter. I think it's great. Psychology doesn't address the soul. But this is a start. This is something. Oh, I'm gonna shut up now. I'll shut up now. You're the only person who knows. The only reason I'm telling you this is because you're my wife. You're the only person on this planet that I'm completely honest with. Oh, please. Hey, g*dd*mn it, I'm serious. If the wrong person finds out, I get a steel jacket... ...of antidepressant in the back of the head. I didn't realize you were so unhappy. I don't know. My mother... You told him about your father, right? - Who? - Your therapist. Yeah. Yeah, I told him. Good. But your mother is the one. I don't know, I just feel like lately my life's out of balance. Our existence on this earth is a puzzle. My own daughter hates me. She doesn't hate you, Carm. We were best friends. Mothers and their daughters. She'll come back to you. [PHONE RINGS] - Hello? CHRIS: Jesus! What's the matter, no social life? Blow me. Dad. I brought you my primavera. It's your favorite. - Who is it? - Christopher. - Hey. - Our friend is back in town. TV ANNOUNCER: "Little p*ssy" Malanga, confused with "Big p*ssy" Bompensiero... ...had just returned from Florida... So it's gonna go down soon? Don't worry. I got a way to put it to bed. TONY: Come on, Meadow. - Go, Falcons! - Come on, let's go! So when do you need this by? Right away. - Way to go, Meadow! - Beautiful, beautiful! I think I can get a party like that together. - Side out? That ball hit the line! - What are you doing, ref? Mom didn't come? Didn't think you wanted her to. The car's over there. Hey, Mr. Dante. See you, Heather. You guys played a good game. Heather Dante. Where'd she get that spike? Don't you think it's unfair what Mom is doing? Making this little movie scene out of it. "The Sad Mom Who Can't Even Come to Her Daughter's Sports Event." Dad? Don't you think it's totally out there? I mean, my Aspen trip. What is she thinking? Dad? It's been years since I've been here. Dad, please talk to her, please. God, this is so stupid. Why are we sitting here? Your mother thinks you have the capacity to be a top student. And I agree. What do you guys want, perfection? What are you looking at? Your great-grandfather and his brother Frank... ...they built this place. Big whoop. Stone and marble workers. They came over here from Italy... ...and they built this place. Yeah, right. Two guys. No, they were two guys on a crew of, you know, laborers. They didn't design it... ...but they knew how to build it. Now find two guys who can put decent grout around your bathtub. [CAR DOOR OPENS] [CAR ALARMS SOUNDING] So I feel good. So I don't know if I'm gonna be needing to come back. It's not the Prozac. Why not? You said you're thinking clearer and your wife says you seem to be better? It's not the medication. Prozac takes weeks to build up effective levels in the blood. Well, what is it, then? Coming here. Talking. Hope comes in many forms. Well, who's got time for that? What is it you want to say to me? I had a dream last night. Uh... My bellybutton was... ...a Phillips head screw... ...and I'm working unscrewing it... ...and when I get it unscrewed... ...my penis falls off. You know, I pick it up and I'm holding it and I'm running around... ...looking for the guy who used to work on my Lincoln... ...so he can put it back on. And you know, I'm holding it up... ...and this bird swoops down and grabs it in its beak... ...and flies off with it. What kind of bird? I don't know. Sea gull or something. A water bird? I saw The Birds last week. Think that planted the idea? What else is a water bird? Pelican, flamingo. What about ducks? Those g*dd*mn ducks. What is it about those ducks that meant so much to you? I don't know, it was a trip... ...having those wild creatures... ...come into my pool and have their little babies. I was sad to see them go. Oh, Jesus, f*ck. Now he's gonna cry. Shit. f*ck me. When the ducks gave birth to those babies, they became a family. You're right. It's a link. A connection. I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my family... ...like I lost the ducks. That's what I'm full of dread about. It's always with me. What are you so afraid's going to happen? I don't know. You work so hard. You work so damn hard and to see your life's dream... ...burn down. Look at it this way, you collect the insurance. You gotta say to yourself, "It could have been worse." How could it have been worse? f*cking faulty stove! Suppose people stopped coming, ever think of that? I don't know. I don't know what the f*ck. He's right. There's no insurance for that. Why would people stop coming to the restaurant? It's just catching on. You know what I'm figuring out lately? Talking helps. - That's right. - He's right. He's right. Hope... comes in many forms. Absolutely. TONY: Come on. Here, hold this. Artie. Artie, come on. Hey, hey. Hey, look at me. Look at me. I'll always help you. Come on. Come on. Go cook. Hey, let him cook. He'll feel better. Someday I'll tell him we torched the restaurant. All right, enough of this shit. What's wrong? You know, a simple... ..."Way to go, Chris, on the Triborough Towers contract!" would have been nice. That's it. You're right. You're right. I have no defense. That's how I was parented. Never supported. Never complimented. My cousin Gregory's girlfriend... ...is what they call a development girl, out in Hollywood. She said I could sell my life story, make f*cking millions. I didn't do that. I stuck it out with you. I'll f*cking k*ll you. Are you gonna go Henry Hill on me now? You know how many mobsters are selling screenplays and screwing things up? She said I could maybe even play myself. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Forget Hollywood screenplays. Forget those distractions, huh? What, you think I haven't had offers? We got work to do. New avenues. Everything's gonna be all right from here on in. Come on. Look, it's a beautiful day. What could be bad? It's nice of you to pick me up for the party, Junior. - At least somebody cares about me. - These kids today. I suppose he thinks once he's got me in a nursing home... ...I'll die faster and then he won't have to drive me anywhere. If his father was still alive... ...you can bet he'd show more decency and respect for his mother. Well, my brother John was a man among men. He was a saint. Lots of things are different now from Johnny's and my day. What do you mean? I'm not free to run my business like I want. Aw, isn't that awful. Just this week, your son stuck his hand in... ...and made it times more difficult for me. Plus, he thumbs his nose at New York. What are you gonna do? He's part of a whole generation. Do you remember the crazy hair? And the dope? Now it's f*g in the military. Stop it, Junior. You're making me very upset! I don't like to, Livia, but I'm agita all the time. And I'll tell you something else, things are down all across the board. A lot of friends of ours are complaining. We used to be recession-proof. No more. You can't blame it all on the Justice Department. Our friends say to me... ..."Junior, why don't you take a larger hand in things?" Something may have to be done, Livia, about Tony. I don't know. There they are. Hey, Ma, Uncle Jun. LIVIA: You're using mesquite. That makes the sausage taste peculiar. - Hi, Grandma. - Happy birthday, my big boy. Carmela, my mother's here. Everybody, let's eat. [LAUGHING]
John Gotti, life in prison... ...no chance of parole. We've seen prosecutions in Florida and elsewhere of top Mob figures. What are you doing? Put that back. [BOXING MATCH COMMENTARY] What's the situation on the ground today, right now, in the Mob? BRAUN: Confusion... ...instability... ...vacuum at the top. ANNOUNCER: What caused it? Your sister's ass. BRAUN: Policy over two decades... ...to behead the crime families. ANNOUNCER: But wasn't it, at least in part... ...a disregard within the Mob itself... ...of the rules that served the old dons so well? - If the shoe fits. BRAUN: No doubt. Sil. Cheer me up, babe. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Is that Pacino or is that Pacino? Spitting image. ANNOUNCER: Vincent Rizzo. RIZZO: Yes. ANNOUNCER: Former soldier in the Genovese family. Government witness turned best-selling author. Do you agree with U.S. Attorney Braun? The party's over. - He is a wiseguy. Elaborate. RIZZO: It's not like it was. - Cloning. - Mexicans are huge in that. - Fascinating. - Because they work as parking valets. RIZZO: Do I mean that organized crime... ...will go the way of the dodo bird? [BRAUN CONTINUES TALKING] - What the f*ck are you talking about? - Mexicans. - What about them? - Cell phones. I'm not talking about cloning cell phones. I'm talking about f*cking sheep! Science. I tell my kids, "Only God can make a life." A guy here asks, "What if they had cloned Princess Di?" But you know, the heydey? You know, the Golden Age... ...or whatever, of the Mob? That's gone. And that's never coming back. They have only themselves to blame. They pay this chiacchierone by the word? Drug trafficking. - Oh! RIZZO: I think it ruined everything. You're looking at a mandatory to life in prison. Guys started to rat so they could avoid prosecution. What's going on with that Princess Di? Do you think the royal family had her whacked? Last time I take a limo in Paris. Like you were ever in Paris. I went for a blowjob. Your mother was working the bonbon concession at the Eiffel Tower. You hear what I told him? "I went over for a blowjob. Your mother was working at the Eiffel Tower." I got a list of people I wouldn't want cloned. The mayor of New York, that's the guy least likely to get cloned. So the code of silence, the omertá, or whatever, just went by the boards. You're always gonna have organized crime. Always. As long as the human being has certain appetites... ...for gambling, pornography or whatever. Someone's always gonna surface to serve these needs. Always. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. [SPEAKING SPANISH] - You got DVD players? - Don't hurt me. Only people who get hurt are the jerk-offs. Now step down, nice and easy. He's got the DVD players. Quick and painless. Not to hurt you. You gotta tie me up. - You gonna be a jerk-off? - My boss'll think I'm in on it. We look like we want a merit badge? We travel with rope? I've got some in the cab. Please, I need this job. Okay, get the rope. I don't know who gave the route, but there's no way I'd go unscathed... - ...without being fired. - You want to be scathed? So it looks like I didn't give up without a struggle. - Oh! - That's cool. Thank you. That's enough. No, wait. Oh! Ow! That's good! - Scathed? - Scathed. CHRIS: He's scathed. Mr. Miller, my science teacher, he got his car stolen. You're kidding. From where? His house? Mm-mm. His parking spot at school. A Saturn. He only had it a year. MEADOW: The security people are a joke. Did you hear what A.J. just said? Mr. Miller's car got stolen. Refresh my memory. Who is he? He's your son's science teacher. [TONY SINGS] You're up early. He just bought that car a year ago. So? Insurance will pay. They don't give full value. These poor teachers, they don't make a lot. So he can work his summer vacation. You could help find it. I thought I told you I changed my name from LoJack to Soprano. Laugh. I'd pee in my pants. p*ssy's got the body shop. He couldn't ask? MEADOW: I'm late. - What are you getting in science? - D-plus. - See what I can do. - That's not what I meant. He's gotta work for his grades. [TONY SINGS] [TONY CONTINUES SINGING] I'm going back to bed. - Bye, Dad. - See you later. [SPEAKS ITALIAN] Here, eat this. CHRIS: Technology comes to the Bing! SILVIO: Hey, where you been? SILVIO: Come on. CHRIS: Let's go. TONY: Hey, is the load here? PAULIE: Yeah. [PHONE RINGS] If Serge calls, I'll be back. These new phones, hold, conference, sometimes I get confused. How complicated is it? Answer the phone, take the message. Voice mail only comes on if you let it ring. Jesus Christ, Georgie. I hear there's not as many titles as on laser. There's more coming. My internist said the picture's not that different. But the sound... Way improved. Good. Nothing b*at popping up some corn and listening to Men in Black. - f*ck it! - It's the damn wires, that's all! I'll hook it up. I used to be an installer. Why can't you be nice to Brendan? We discussed that. I was gonna come looking. It's the guy. It's Serge? I'll take it over there. Serge? Press "hold" when you transfer a call. I'm sorry, Tony. Now he's not gonna call back. Brendan's a good earner, T. This jack was his plan. He's a good kid, but I don't like meth. f*ck, I gotta call my mother. - Hello? - Hello, Ma? Oh, look who calls. - How you doing? - I was wondering when you'd call. You can stop wondering now. This is it, I'm calling you. I called yesterday. You were supposed to call me back. I phoned your house. Some operator answered. I couldn't understand a word she was saying. That's not an operator, that's an answering machine. Oh, fancy, fancy. Here, let me turn the heat off under these mushrooms. You and Mom are like peas in a pod. She can't master the phone, but she's . What's your excuse? What is she doing now? Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. - Ma! Ma! Hey, Ma! - Oh, my God! - Ma! Where is she? - Who is this? - It's Anthony! The mushrooms, they're on fire! Get the fire extinguisher under the sink! Oh, my God! The wall's getting all black! Ma, hang up and call . The guy's on the second line. - Aren't you coming over? - You press "hold," g*dd*mn it. I can't, I'm minutes away. You hang up and you call . Leave the house. Look at how I live! Ma, hang up and call . My mother's got a fire in the kitchen. - Oh, my God. - She's calling . Go there. - I'm on my way. - Thank you, baby. I know you're busy. Serge, Serge. I can't talk now. I gotta go to an outside line. All right. I'll call you back. Is your mom okay? Shit cannot go on like this. Hey, T. Hey, T. This teacher, his car, you got a plate number? Call my wife. - Have a nice day. - Thanks. No problem. Ma. I wish you'd let me get somebody to help you. - You shouldn't be alone. - Help me what? - With the housework. - I have my ways. A stranger could care less about doing it right. Can I tell you something though, Ma? You need company. Don't start with that nursing-home business again. This is not a nursing home. It is a retirement community. You want me to make you pastina? Something in your stomach? Ma, now, I've told Tony... ...and I've told you many times. You can come live with us. I know when I'm not wanted! I invited you to share my home. If you want me to beg, that's different. Leave this place that my husband and I shared? Well, change can be a positive. He was a saint. That son of mine, is he still having those fits? They're not fits, Ma. They're anxiety attacks. You know, he's on medication. What BMW's charging us for paint? O trippa di zia. - It's been that way for six months. - When was I last here? Hey. We maybe caught a break. Watchung Avenue said some guys brought a Saturn trying to load it for parts. Are you saying this car's for Tony and leave it all in one piece? Yeah, sure. It's for the kid's teacher. My guy said one of those goofballs had a uniform on from f*ck. Whatever, the coffee shop. I guess the guy works there. Watchung and what? I'm f*cking Rockford here. CASHIER: Decaf cappuccino Primo, non-fat Magnifico, double espresso regulare. I'll take you here. I think I'll have an espresso. Paul, you want anything? They got any just coffee? Our café du jour is New Zealand Peaberry. Madonna. Whatever. That's $ . . Pick up there. One medium du jour, one single espresso. Here, keep it. Honey, let me ask you. My wife was in the body shop around the corner the other day. The guy in front of her leaves and she sees he dropped... ...his money clip. But he was already gone. We'd like to give it back. She said he was wearing a uniform like that there. Real black hair. Tall? Little earring. These stores are everywhere. Yeah, tell me about it. f*cking Italian people. How'd we miss out on this? - What? - f*cking espresso, cappuccino. We invent it and these cocksuckers are getting rich. Isn't it amazing? It's not just money. It's a pride thing. All our food, pizza, calzone, buffalo mozzarella... ...olive oil. These f*ck had nothing. They ate puzzi before we gave them our cuisine. But this, this is the worst. This espresso shit. Take it easy. She finally agreed to have somebody come in days. Carmela called an agency, and they sent over this Trinidadian woman. But no matter what I do, I feel guilty. Why? The real reason is, I can't let her live with us. That doesn't seem practical, given her personality. Well, it's my wife. She won't allow it. Where are your sisters in this? They cut it off with her long ago. No way she's bunking with them. So you're carrying all this guilt when your mother is clearly someone... ...who has difficulty maintaining any relationship. But she's my mother. You're supposed to take care of your mother. She's a little old lady. Not to you. She's very powerful. Bullshit. You accord this "little old lady"... ...an almost mystical ability to wreak havoc. Let me tell you. You definitely don't want to get her started. There are some people who are not ideal candidates for parenthood. Come on. She's an old sweetie-pie. What were some of the good experiences you remember as a child? The loving warm ones? One time we were down at the shore. About ' , ' , the whole family. My father, he tripped and fell down the stairs, and we were all laughing. The whole family was laughing. My mother was laughing. Any other loving experiences? Hey, she's a good woman. She put food on the table every night. I'm the ungrateful f*ck. I come here, complain about her... ...and I let my wife exclude her from my home. [DOORBELL CHIMES] Hey, Ma! - You Perrilyn? - Yes. Tony Soprano. Ah. TONY: How you doing? PERRILYN: I'm fine. Oh, Livia, your son is here! And isn't he a handsome thing. And look what he brought. All right, listen. Let's get one thing straight. In the hours you're here taking care of my mother, no ganja. Okay? Hey, Ma, fiori. I'm not dead, unfortunately for some. The tall ones are delphiniums. You know, Frankie Valli when he visits Jersey? This is the florist he uses. Aren't they beautiful? Want me to put them on the table? You make sure the bottom of the vase isn't wet. Mr. Tony, would you like some tea or something? Coke, thanks. So how's it going today? She's stealing. Who? That ditsoon, who. That beautiful plate Aunt Settimia took from that restaurant in Rome. It's gone. I don't know. She seems like a nice person. She doesn't fool me for a second. [PERRILYN HUMMING] You sure she stole it? You didn't give it to one of the relatives? You keep forcing your possessions on people, thinking you're gonna die. I wish it was tomorrow. And she's so forward too. Who does she think she is? She's happy, Ma. She's singing. Anthony, I don't want her around here. I can manage somehow. No, I'm not giving in to you this time. She stays. [LIVIA SIGHS] Your uncle called here looking for you. Uncle Jun? He sounded agitated. JUNIOR: Jackie, tell them to leave Comley trucking alone. Didn't know it was a Comley truck. For f*cking years, Comley's put food on my table, protection money. - Chris didn't know going in. - Bullshit. Want my DVD? You can watch Grumpy Old Men. - You gonna be a f*cking funny boy now? JACKIE: Hey! You Sopranos. You hope you and your uncle can settle, not be invited to a f*cking sit-down. You got a crew of cowards you don't control. Here we go. Here we go. You got a ruling? The kids make restitution to Junior. Done. It's done. Christopher Moltisanti's a f*cking loose... You get him out of a sick bed? Hey, f*ck that shit. Giacomino, how you feeling? I may be acting boss while your old man's a guest of the government... ...but I wish somebody'd tell my bowels. They don't obey. Ah, the f*cking chemo. Maybe I should name a successor. This day and age? Who wants the f*cking job? Your mom tells me you got a girl coming in to help. That's good. All right, I gotta go. I'll see you soon. TONY: We okay? All right. The smoke he hires for his own mother. Hey, Mikey, how's the boy? - What boy? - The one you sleep with. Oh. I'm just kidding. How's Jun treating you? We're covering our nut. Your nephew retarded? Likes to play with trucks? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talking like that? No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tony. Too bad they don't have a telethon for f*ck. They find a cure? I'm just kidding you. Come on, you're a good sport. You all right? - Yeah. - You all right? - Yeah. - I'll see you later. SERVER: Double cappuccino suprema. CASHIER: Double cappuccino suprema. Thanks. Excuse me. A guy fitting the description does work in this branch. His name is Edguardo Arnaz. Him and his gay lover both work here. And I got the address. - Paulie, are you listening to me? - Yeah. Again with the r*pe of the culture. Can we go find these Spice Girls and get this over with? SERVER: Two small café du jours. That's it! What happened? b*at me. Did you say something to her? I know how to talk to people. These blacks. Who knows what they'll take the wrong way. So she's gone! RADIO ANNOUNCER: Traffic and weather on this Tuesday morning. HEATHER: There's a delay as you get out of the Lincoln Tunnel. About a -minute delay if you're approaching near Deer Route . The queue beginning just before the Bergen Viaduct. TONY: You had orders. Why didn't you pay his restitution? BRENDAN: Restitution, okay. But you know how much your uncle wants? $ . You got the wrong truck, that's what happened. I didn't notice you rushing to give back your f*cking DVD player. I'm enjoying it very much. I screened The Bank Dick last night. "Did you warble, my little wren?" I'm not gonna pay it. - Oh, yeah? - I'm serious. Serious is what happens if you don't pay, by me. In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization. How come I always feel undermined? By what I did on the Triborough Towers alone, I should've been made. Boom! Hmm. I'm f*cking serious, Tony. The books are closed. Did you talk to Jackie about me? They're not accepting any new members, okay? You know, you got a reputation for immaturity... ...and it's not helping, not paying the tributes the acting boss demands. Acting boss, my ass. Everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "chemo-sabi." Open the f*cking door. Open the f*cking door! BRENDAN: Ow. Oh. [DOOR SLAMS] All right. All right. f*ck it. But grand is too much! I'll tell you what. You give me the K, I'll talk to Uncle Junior... ...and maybe I can get it to around . One more thing. You leave Comley Trucking and every other item that belongs to Jun... ...including his hemorrhoid doughnut, the f*ck alone. Got it? Yeah. "Did you warble, my little wren?" What will his commission will be? Two, three grand. Ten to Junior. We're lucky we net bucks from the whole thing. Ah! ARNAZ: Who is it? What? Mr. Arnaz? What do you want? You seen a schoolteacher's Saturn around here? Come here! Anybody else here, Desi? JEROME: Eddie, I'm ready. - Yep. Here comes Lucy. JEROME: Those people at the airport shuttle are always late. ARNAZ: Uh! - Eddie! You boys drove off in the wrong car. We ain't saying shit until there's an attorney. Well, go ahead. Make a statement. I got f*cking Johnny Cochran here! p*ssy: You boys put a crimp in my week. - Ah, mannaggia! p*ssy: Get over there. PAULIE: Hey, Puss, here's the f*cking set. Look. p*ssy: f*cking car's been chopped. Useless. That's not it. Then why is that car inside there? That Dodge? Why is that f*ck wearing the f*cking plate number I had all week? - I don't know. - Here's what's gonna happen. The two of youse are climbing over that fence and shagging those plates. But the razor wire. Then one of you stays with us while the other goes and gets another Saturn. [TONY SIGHS] - On the lookout for ducks? - Know the old man pretty good. Don't look so sad. Remember how pissed you were about the pool filter? They were special, them coming here, huh? Don't you think? I wasn't into it. What time's Grandma getting here? She had to drive Fanny to the doctor's. Then she is picking up my parents and they're coming here. They're each bringing some antipasto. I complain about my mother, about how she just sits at home... ...and feels sorry for herself. But she's always ready to drive those friends of hers that can't drive. I'm proud of her. It gives me hope. FANNY: It's getting chilly out here. Make plenty of noise before you open the front door. You never know who's in there. There's my Star-Ledger. Thanks. Oh, this street, another pain in the ass. She broke her wrist on the steering column. A minor concussion. What about the other woman? Hip. [WINCES] We were at the hospital till a.m... ...talking to her doctor and the staff gerontoligist. They say she shouldn't live alone anymore. She can't manage the telephone. Yet you say she's healthy and alert. Like a bull. Why? I'm just thinking. I know there are other doctors there, but you know from your own life... ...that depression can cause accidents, poor performance or worse. So, what are you saying? Unconsciously she tried to whack her friend? It's interesting that you would even take that from what I said. Either way, she could need a change in her living situation... ...be around more people. We were looking at Green Grove. It's a beautiful facility. It's more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes. Yeah. - But to her it's a nursing home. - She needs to see the distinction. That, in fact, she's embarking on a rewarding chapter. I know seniors who are inspired and inspiring. CHRIS: You're not forgetting us, buddy? Ladies. Hey, Kenny Portugal said to say hello. Oh, yeah. Kenny. The f*ck is with this cocksucker? BOUNCER: Back up! Mr. Scorsese, good evening. CHRIS: Whoa! Wow! Marty! Kundun! I liked it. So my boy at Comley... ...said there's a load of Italian suits. Those unload fast. Mario'll take the whole load. He says shipment moves Thursday at a.m. Give me one good reason I should not jack this truck. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again. Taking that outrageous tribute. He shits on our heads, we're supposed to say thanks for the hat. I'm getting nowhere playing by the rules. f*ck Tony. "The books are closed." Blow me. That's some true shit. They're not confirming any new made guys. How come? f*cking chaos. Nobody knows who's running things anymore. Guys don't know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases. I'm talking about the year . The millennium. Where do we go from here? TONY: Oh. Ma, this Virginia ham... Go on, get yourself some more. No, I'm full. It's good, though. You never let me feed you. So getting back to what we were talking about. - You want that lamp? - Lie down. That lamp, that's real ormolu. You know what that's worth when it's new? We're fixed good lamp-wise, thank you. Take it and take the Barcalounger. Somebody's gotta take this stuff before I die. Otherwise there's gonna be a lot of stuff here... ...that the junkman's gonna have to cart off to the dump. Mom, you're not gonna die. Your stuff won't be hauled off to the dump. Plan for the future. The most rewarding chapter of your life's coming up. - You know my good jewelry? - The stuff Dad gave you. Some of those pieces came right out of Cartier's window. Listen, Carm doesn't want it. Not now. We want you to live long and wear your sparklers to grandkids' graduations. I gave it all to your cousin Josephine. The f*ck? The good jewelry? She always admired it. They don't have much. You gave her Cartier rings, and you give me a vibrating chair? Your wife never showed any interest in my jewels. She never complimented me on any of it, as I remember. Before you do more damage to yourself or your grandchildrens' inheritance... ...you'll stop living alone. I'm not going to that nursing home. Green Grove is a retirement community! It's like a hotel at Captain Teeb's! Who's he? A captain who owns luxury hotels or something. I talked to Mrs. DiCaprio, and she's got a corner suite available. It's available. It'll go fast. Of course it's available. Somebody died! You gotta stop with this black poison cloud all the time. I can't take it! Oh, poor you! I got problems at work, problems at home. I got a friend diagnosed with cancer. Most parents would be grateful if their children did this! I'm not going to that place. I will go to court and get power of attorney and place you there. Then k*ll me now. Go on, go into the ham... ...and take the carving knife and stab me here. Here! Now please, it would hurt me less than what you just said. I know seniors that are inspired! [LIVIA CRIES] Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front, and you're not even dressed! I'm taking a pass. What? It's Italian suits, Christopher. There was a time when being with Tony's crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing? This is some f*cking note here. Don't wake her up. Come on, it's : . Maybe one reason things are so f*cked in the organization these days... ...is guys running off not listening to middle management. "f*ck Tony." That's a quote. We have to stick together. Why be in a crew? Why be a gangster? Hey, coach? Suck my dick. Yeah. Yo! Hey! Yo! We need some help over here! Okay, let's be very cool, yo! Get down out of the cab! You heard the f*ck. I'm a friend of Billy's. Your friend on the inside. Yeah, cool. "Increase the peace," that's our motto. - I'm gonna take my lunch, okay? - Yeah, whatever. Come on. GANGSTER: Hold up, man. You can't drive a Fisher Price. What's with the g*n pointed sideways? Get out! Come on, get down! You drive, I'll direct you. [g*n GOES OFF] Jesus! Control your shit, fool! f*ck, I'm f*cked! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck's gonna go ape-shit. f*ck! You excited about coming to live with us, hon? You will be. Trust me. Look, Ma, here's your stuff. - Wow, they made good time. TONY: Yeah. You got your own bed and your dresser. You know, when my grandmother went to live... elsewhere... ...they weren't allowed personal effects. All right, Ma, sign right here. [PHONE BEEPS] BONNIE: Yes? Mr. Soprano, do you have an Uncle Junior? He tracked me down here? Line two? Here you go. I'll call him back. He'll return the call. He did? It's urgent. She said he sounded upset. He'll call back. Livia, did you ever hear the old Italian saying? My aunt used to go: "Col tempo la foglia di gelso diventa seta." What's that mean, Bonnie? Time and patience change the mulberry leaf to silk. You gonna be all right? Yeah, sure. Thanks for all your help. I'll make us a nice lunch. I've got some fantastic prosciutto in there. [PHONE RINGS] Hello? Yeah. It's Christopher. Yeah. I've been calling for hours. Call me on an outside line. [PHONE RINGS] T, don't get mad. There's been a little shit. - I had nothing to do with it... - Spit it out! Brendan hit Comley again. He what? - And the driver, you know... - No, I don't know. He caught some friendly fire or something and he's gone. Oh, f*ck! What do we do, T? Brendan didn't fence the load. He's thinking it was Mario who dimed us to Junior last time. f*ck! [SIGHS] SILVIO: Hey, Ton. Sorry you have to wreck your Saturday like this. TONY: You boys. You boys, I'll tell you. It's beautiful stuff, though. - Ton, I'm so sorry. - Shut up. Just so you realize I had nothing to do with this. - Ton, that's true. He stood home. - Shut up. Stood home? Did you do anything to stop it? Did you offer any guidance? What do we mean when we say leadership, hm? Part of it's the crank. But I'm going into detox, swear on my mother. Brendan, shut the f*ck up. You want to get me clipped? What are we gonna do? You're gonna put these suits back in the truck and give them back. f*ck! Then call my uncle and tell him it's done. What about the dead guy? Prod him with a stick. Light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're f*cked. Ton... ...what if this didn't go back? Would it be a problem? I don't see you assholes putting that rack, and that rack... ...and this rack here back in the truck. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Hmm! MR. MILLER: Hey, Mr. Miller, your car is back. My wife dropped me off and there it was, in my parking spot. My Uncle p*ssy helped my dad locate it. Uncle p*ssy? He's in the car business. I don't know what to say to your dad, I mean, thanks of course. It's nice and clean too. Whoa, different keys! It's probably too much to hope my papers are still inside the trunk. WOMAN: It's a different color. MR. MILLER: Whoa. Ooh. My dad's a hero. [SNIFFS] [CLEARS THROAT] MELFI: Did you actually lose consciousness like with the ducks? No. Just a shortness of breath and the white spots in my field of vision. Improvement. Because I'm sad to put my mother away? Sad is good. Unconscious isn't. She'll be in very good hands. You've done the best for her. She won't speak to me. That is sad. But whose choice is that? Somehow that doesn't make it any better. Can you admit to yourself that yes, you're sad... ...but you're angry and full of rage? I'm sad. It's hard to admit that... ...you may have feelings of hatred towards your mother, isn't it? You're out of your tree. Listen carefully. Of course you love her. What I'm trying to say is, own the anger instead of displacing it. Otherwise it defines your life. It needs to be acknowledged. It's a good thing time is up. I don't want to talk to you anymore. "Hate your mother." [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Shit. A what do you call it? A menu. Press two if you know your party's extension. Is that an operator or an answering machine? Let's see. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Press zero. Hello? Hello? Hello? GEORGIE: Ooh.
[HORN HONKS] CHRIS: You should've rang the doorbell, Brendan. Hey, you! Yeah, you! What are you doing? We found this truck on the side of the road. There might be transmission trouble. You should check it out. What's going on? Hey, that's the truck. The one that was stolen in Newark? What are you doing with the truck? It's a gift from Tony Soprano. Let's call the cops. Those guys k*ll Hector. I don't believe it. We just returned the biggest score of my year. CHRIS: Listen, you f*ck. Uncle Junior's breaking Tony's balls since you hijacked that truck. You're lucky Tony doesn't shove the cab up your ass. [CHRIS SNORTS] What else did Comley say? Nothing much. There was stuff missing from the truck... ...but he didn't give a f*ck as long as the thing's back. Then he said to tell Tony thanks, and if Tony needs anything, to call. Tony? Those junkie f*ck work for Tony. They hijack Comley's truck, I get it, and he thanks Tony? Well, I think you should've taken care of this Christopher Moltisanti thing... ...the minute it first happened. You should've sent a clear signal: "You f*ck with Junior Soprano..." Take it easy. We're not making a Western here. f*cking family. I bought his kid a $ surfboard for his birthday. Mr. Soprano? How you doing? Is that a trick picture out there? Which? The barn. And the old tree all rotted out inside. It's just a picture I bought. I remember, in a little gallery in Provincetown. That is a special-made psychological picture. Like that what-do-you-call-it test. The Korschach. You think I want to trick you? - Oh, no. - What does that picture say? "We're from Harvard, and what do you think of... ...this depressing barn and this rotted-out tree here?" It's depressing and scary to you? Not to me. But it's got that built right into it. How are things? Good. I had a real good week. A friend's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise, I'm having a good week. - What's he in for? - They thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this, then that. - You're worried about him? - Jackie? Jackie's so f*cking mean, he'll scare that cancer away. Your friend has cancer? Jackie, when they hook you up, do you make sure they don't have... ...air in your veins, or is that just bullshit? What do you mean? This is a good hospital, sweetheart. Nothing like that's gonna happen here. Air in the line'll k*ll you. You know who else...? Hey! You know who else has cancer? Tommy DiPalma. He's got it much worse. It's eating his brain away. TONY: Hey, somebody having a baby or what? - How you doing? JACKIE: All right. - How you feeling? - Good. Hesh, how you doing? Good to see you. Thanks for coming. Jackie, looking well, pal. Here, Ro, for you. You're beautiful. Mikey, nice to see you again in men's clothing. I should grab a fire extinguisher. I heard your friend had a spontaneous combustion in his restaurant. I'm going to the cafeteria. Want anything? A plate of braciole. [LAUGHING] - They got grappa in this thing? - Oh, I wish. See you later. I got some errands. - Give Junior my love. - I will. Hey. Tell my uncle I sent back the truck. Give me the vinegar peppers he owes me. Thank God he left. He's a nice guy, but he's like the Grim Reaper. He knows every guy with cancer, and he can't wait to tell you. Jackie, you might be a candidate for clinical trials. These stem cell therapies... Paulie, he don't want to hear no more cancer talk. Get the f*ck out of here! Trust me, you caught a break being Jewish. See what I gotta deal with? Jews, that's right. I knew there was something. Tony, you know Teittleman? Owns property. Owns the motel down the street from the club. The Jew with the black clothes and the curls. They're called Hasidim. "Hasidim" but I don't believe them. - What does Teittleman want? - A divorce for his daughter. What do you mean? His son-in-law will not give his daughter the consent... ...unless Teittleman gives him % of his motel. They call it a get. Why don't he just? It's taboo for their religion. You know about this shit? Run. Trust me. You don't want to do business with these people. He said there's large in it if we can get him this get. There's a saying amongst Jews: "When a Jew gets a divorce, even the altar sheds tears." All right, I heard enough. JACKIE: Look, I'm getting kind of tired. Let's go get a cup of coffee. See you later, Jackie. Take care. [SINGING] [SINGING] That crash was Meadow Soprano jumping her cue. Miss Marris, we're exhausted from studying for SATs. We were up past . - Are you her lawyer? - No. Why they'd schedule SATs the same week... - Same day. - What? [GRUMBLING] If we're kicked out of Concert Singers, we lose our best extracurricular. Goodbye, Berkeley. Hello, Glassboro State. I cannot wait until all of North America is between me and Tony and Carmela. New Jersey blows. I want to go to Berkeley so bad. The whole East, I can't deal anymore. So we don't sleep till after the SATs. CHARMAINE: Don't mind the mess. I wasn't expecting company. I couldn't wait. I had to see the new house. - Where's King Arthur? - Downstairs. This plumbing! - Here? - Yeah. Oh, I love the coziness. Welcome to the neighborhood. Well, the school district, anyway. Carm, you did not have to do this. I mean, we don't see each other like we used to... I want that to change. - Could this be Artie Bucco? - Hey, capitano! The place looks good. It needs a little work, but we'll get there. You need some cash until the insurance on the restaurant comes... There'll be an Italian president before I see any insurance money. I thought that was settled. Join the club. They're doing a second arson investigation. They think you're Mobbed up? You're a working stiff. It doesn't make any sense. Who would burn down a perfectly good restaurant? It's stupid. Insane. - Sorry, Artie. - Life goes on, no? I could always be a plumber, no? Only one concept to master: Shit runs downhill. Yes, it does. Come in the kitchen. I'll buy you a beer. - Mr. Soprano. - Mr. Teittleman. - My pleasure. - Have a seat. - Thank you. - Silvio you know. Paulie. How are you? This is my son. Does he have a name? Oh, I'm sorry. It's Hillel. You know about my daughter and her husband? Yeah, he knows. Do you have a daughter, Mr. Soprano? Yes. Call me Tony. What would you do if she was abused by her husband? Talk to him. Yeah, in ball-peen hammer. I think you understand my anger. He's harming my daughter, and he's mocking our laws of marriage. Look, let's understand each other from the get-go here, okay? I'm in waste management. I'm only here because I'm Silvio's friend, you're Silvio's friend. You may be having a problem I can help you with. If I can do it, that will make me happy. Ha! What's your problem, Hil? Please finish. You're being shaken down for % of your motels. Correct. The goon squads who smacked these husbands around to get the divorce... ...were put out of business by the D.A. All right, %. He wants , we get . I don't understand. I'm not talking to you. You get me what I want, Mr. Soprano, and you have a deal. It's done. You let them in our motel, you'll never get them out. That's a commercial, isn't it? Julio, before lunch I want you to do bedding inventory. Half-hour, and no cervezas, please. [RINGS BELL] Yes, may I help you? That depends. Are you Ariel? That also depends. Are you a bill collector? What is this, the k*ll? Shecky Greene we got here. Let's talk about your father-in-law. I'm sorry. He's not here. We know he's not here. But we want to talk to you about him and you. And him. This problem that you're having. Look, I don't know who you are... ...but any problem I may be having with my family is none of your matter. So get out of here. No, no, look. Shlomo is a friend of mine. And you're bragging this? This guy... You couldn't possibly understand what's going on here. Shlomo is an arrogant, ignorant control freak. Look, I know him since before I had hair on my pitzl. I made this place. The flyers, the car rental drop-off, the business breakfast. It was me, not him. So I sweated blood into this place, and he owes me. And I intend to get what's mine. So, please, don't embarrass yourself any further. Just leave. I'm not embarrassed. You embarrassed? Listen to me, you weirdo f*ck. You give Shlomo whatever he wants and you forget this % shit. You got nothing coming to you. Understand me? Nothing! f*ck you! Bupkes. Say bupkes, Paulie. That's how they say "nothing." f*ck that. This is how I say "nothing." [BELL RINGS] How's that for nothing? - You know what? TONY: Probably not. The fundraiser for Pediatric Hospital? I'm gonna hire Artie and Charmaine to cater it. Since when do we open our house to strangers? Oh, you're right. Let's just move back to Italy. We'll live in a hill town like our ancestors, put a wall around it... ...and throw burning oil on all travelers that knock at the gate. [LOUD MUSIC PLAYS] Come on! Poor Charmaine. I tried to find nice things to say about that house. Ain't that bad. Just needs a little work, that's all. Those two are so broke. And that fire. If that insurance would get off its ass. - Could it have been arson? - What's the matter with you? Hey! I can't believe you guys didn't get enough for us. Yeah, put Matt on. [KNOCKING] Hold on. What's going on? You trying to damage your inner ears? We're studying. These are practice tests and they're brutal. Your parents know you're here, cacciatore? - They don't care. - She's sleeping over. Can Hunter please sleep over? Start sleeping, then. Study time's over. We still have six more chapters left. Then can you keep the decibel level down, please? For my husband. Matt, I'm serious, you guys. If we can't score some crystal, we're dead. With this budget, we can do three waiters for the hors d'oeuvres... ...two for the champagne. It's such a load off. This party has me at sixes and sevens. Pediatric Hospital's such a worthy cause. Oona! There's fingerprints on the breakfront. I want this place to sparkle. She's usually very good. From Poland. COP ON TV: Please get in the car, sir. Like the cop would be calling him "sir" if the cameras weren't around. I saw this one. Then call Tony so he can call Junior... ...and see if we can change the channel. Get that, will you, babe? Sure. I'm the only one who has to go to work. CHRIS: Yeah, restaurant hostess. Real tough work. It's your little cousin. - What's up? - How are you? - What are you doing here? - Hello to you too. Hunter, what are you doing? Don't mind him. His brain is fried. You want a soda or something? - How about a beer? - Yeah, right. Just kidding. I'll have a Coke if you have one. What do you want, Meadow? She wants something from me. In your dreams, Brendan. So, what do you want? I wanna cop. [COUGHS] ADRIANA: Here you go. What do you mean, "cop"? Score. We want to score some crystal. You got money? - You ain't giving them shit. - Why not? Your father'll put a b*llet in my head. Since when do you take speed, anyway? She doesn't. I need it to study. CHRIS: Yeah, right. Hunter needs it. Forget about it. No f*cking way. What? He just craves attention. Just thought I'd ask you before we went to Jefferson Avenue. Those melanzane will rob you, r*pe you and leave you on the road. What do you see in him? Money. What do you think? f*ck you. - See you, Christopher. - I got my own money. What about me? Nobody's gonna say goodbye to me? CHRIS: Bye. - Bye. - Bye, guys. You can't let her go to Jefferson Avenue. They'll sell her Ajax. She won't go there. She just wants me to give her some speed. Isn't it better if she gets it from you with all that poison around? Kids. You think you can protect them. But you can't. TV NARRATOR: With the rainy season, chicks alter their eating habits. TONY: Are you watching that nature shit again? What are you doing here? My kid stepped on a nail. I had to get him a sh*t. Yeah, where is he? At the ER with Carmela. So whatever happened with the Jew at the motel? They reached out to him, he wasn't receptive. They're going back. - Want me to leave? - Just looking for my nurse's pen. You got the wrong room because you are not my nurse. I know, but I made up the bed. No, sweetheart. I have not been out of this bed all day. - Sorry, I need to check some vitals... - What are you doing? That seems to be working fine. Nobody sends flower arrangements like New York. Let me just check his... NURSE: Oh! This damn IV. Damn! I got it. I seem to be having a problem. Do you mind if I borrow one of your gowns? TONY: It's okay. It's a private party. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Have a nice night. Oh, Madonna! [JACKIE LAUGHS] I got you, you prick! You should've seen your face! - You prick! TONY: "I haven't been out of bed." Look at your face. Who the hell is this? Relax, Mr. Aprile. It's time for your sponge bath. TONY: She's a friend of mine from the club. Nice girl. I joined them later on. We got a little booze. You were nice to have a party for your friend. Yeah. TONY: "Tufts Medical School." You're a doctor. What do you think? About Jackie? I'd have to know more about his condition. I told you about his condition. He's got cancer. What kind of cancer? It's in the intestines. There was a tumor and they took it out. And it's recurred. But you said he might go home. They're not operating? It's next to something vital. - I see. - You see? From what you're saying, it doesn't sound good. From what I'm saying? What do I know? I'm not a doctor. - You're angry. Who with? - I'll tell you. This man has had chemo every day for three weeks. He still has every last hair on his head. Every last hair on his head, and he's got a beautiful head of hair. So don't tell me how it sounds. You don't know him or me... ...or what you're talking about. We're getting closer to you confronting your true feelings... ...about what's really going on. Wait a minute. I just told you my true feelings. You tell me what's really going on. The tree in the painting rotted out, you said. Nothing indicates that. I knew that was a f*cking scam. I knew that painting was a f*cking scam! You remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning. What happens to a tree that's rotted out? Trees, ducks. What are you? Ranger Rick? Some job you shrinks got. You think everybody's lying... ...while you're pulling scams on them! f*ck you! There's definites. We got another maybes... ...plus the whole Pediatric Hospital Board. Right. Are you sure we ordered enough champagne? Right. Gene says they shouldn't be too sober for the auction. If anyone ever finds out you got this from me... Look at me. This is no joke. We don't always get along, but you don't want to see me dead. I gotta call Hunter. You're the best. Hey, I'm serious. Just this once, okay? I'm no drug dealer. I don't want to see you get poisoned. Your father ever finds out... God, doesn't anyone ever knock? Tell Brendan that Hunter would rather die than go out with him. Brendan? Christopher, keep that assh*le away from that child. He asked me to do him a favor, I did it. All right, you delivered the message. Now let Meadow study. Two goombahs from the old neighborhood. What, they think they're gonna name it the Soprano Wing in the new hospital? I think you're just jealous of their money. - Me? - Yeah. Okay, but explain to me this. He offers us two tickets to the Caribbean out of friendship. You say no, they're tainted. But for some party, I take his money to clean his toilets. First of all, Arthur, this is a paying job and not some cruise. And why do you always have to exaggerate? You're not cleaning his toilets. You're a chef. Good. So you don't mind that he fronts me money for a new place... ...because he offered. Look at that face. Oh, God, don't tell me that you took money from Tony Soprano. How is it different? I'm a chef. I need a place to cook. How? I'm giving Carmela my support, that's how. And it's for a very reputable cause. But to have that man as a partner, trust me, that would be insane. It'd mean the end of everything. At least he made the gesture. Name me another person who offered us anything except the Sopranos? Watch what you're doing. You're squeezing the quail. [LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] Should we turn on the air? It's going okay. Do you like the food? I was so busy schmoozing, I barely had a bite. Don't miss those little veal tonnatos. Charmaine! Sure. Wow. Charmaine! ARIEL: Not in the car! Please! Not in the car! PAULIE: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up and get in the f*cking car! Get in there, you miserable f*cking prick! I can't get used to strangers in my house. Why'd you invite them? Try one of these. You're a f*cking great cook. I cook like this... ...it reminds me of what I lost. To have my restaurant ripped from me. I can't tell you... It was like losing a limb. - Sometimes I lay in bed... - Statti zitto! Enough already. Forget about the past. Look to the future. I'm sick of hearing of your restaurant. Shut up, you depressing jerk! What the f*ck do you know about it? You f*ck. [CHUCKLING] TONY: You f*cking jerk! Come on. Give it up. [LAUGHING] TONY: See what you get when you... [ARIEL GROANS] PAULIE: f*cking son of a bitch! - Get up, you stubborn f*ck. - Please! Too late. All this because you won't say yes to a divorce? It's not that simple! Why not? You sign your f*cking name to a piece of paper! I don't like you. Well, I don't like you. You believe this prick? What do I get, huh? You work for nothing? I don't think so! I say we force-feed him his sombrero. She wants to go to Israel, I send her. I pay. I feed her, I clothe her, I put a roof over her head. I worked for her father for years and took his abuse. So I get nothing? - Stand up! - We don't care. Tough f*cking luck, ain't it, pal? You mother...! Silvio! [ARIEL GROANS] f*ck. This guy's a bull. Paulie, if we don't k*ll this prick... ...we should put him to work. [IRINA GIGGLES] [TONY GRUNTS] Time's a-wasting. I was lucky I could get out at all with that party tonight. [PHONE RINGS] Shit! - Hello. SILVIO [ON PHONE]: Tony. Sorry to bother you. This isn't working out how we hoped. With our friend with the funny sideburns. Don't say no more on the phone. I'm coming down. Shit! I gotta go. [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] You just got here. Yeah, I know, but I gotta go. [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] What's that painting mean to you? Nothing. It just reminds me of David Hockey. [CAR ALARM BEEPS] You want something to munch on? TONY: Are you kidding me? Most guys I know would be happy to get rid of their wife. I tried explaining the realities here. This guy's as stubborn as a f*cking mule. He says it's principle. I think we gotta... you know. That's why we called you. TONY: I promised the father-in-law I wouldn't. I don't know what else to do. You're a stupid f*ck, you know that? I've heard it said. What are you, proud of it? You k*ll me and a dark cloud goes over Shlomo's house. Either way, they'll be no get unless restitution is made. You really would let me k*ll you, you sick f*ck. You ever heard of the Masada? For two years, Jews held their own... ...against , Roman soldiers. They chose death before enslavement. And the Romans, where are they now? You're looking at them, assh*le. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... ...I fear no evil for Thou art with me. Yeah, hold that thought. [PHONE RINGS] Yeah? I'm with my non-shellfish-eating friend, and I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason. Didn't I tell you, huh? I warned you to keep away from them. He left me no options. He's willing to go down with the ship. Here's a thought. Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come... ...but if he's stuck here on this earth... ...I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without. What? Oh. That's a brilliant idea. Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris. Yeah. Paulie, get the ball cutters from out of the truck. Ariel, we're going to plan B. The phone has been ringing all morning. The Rotellis, the Trillos. He has to do with computers. They're wonderful. She invited us to brunch. - Really? - Yep. But it was the food, Mainie. Everybody raved about it. Cynthia said, "I love those rice balls," like she never had arancini before. Really, Mainie, I couldn't have done it without you. It meant so much to me, having you here. It just made it so much fun for me. Mainie, is something wrong? You got something on your mind? What could be wrong? Listen, sweetie. It may not seem like it right now, but you'll get back on your feet again. Carmela, I'm fine where I am. I know. That's not what I meant. Carmela, I never wanted to tell you this. It happened so long ago. You and Tony weren't even married. It's probably silly for me to even bring it up now. What? You were at the shore with your parents. You and Tony were on the outs. He called me. He did? One thing led to another, we started dating each other and... Carmela, I slept with him. You slept with Tony? Really, it wasn't for me. Carmela, what I'm trying to say is, stop worrying about me. Really. I mean, we both made our choices. I'm fine with mine. I'd like for you to consider this. SILVIO: Don't give me that. TONY: What's going on? Why'd you page me? This guy's trying to pull some bullshit. Hey, ZZ Top. The guy gave you the get, didn't he? But not because of you. You threatened him with castration. It was business that brought him around. He wanted %, you wanted %. So I split the difference. I gave him %... ...he gives my daughter the divorce... - It's business. It worked out. - You gotta walk with me, Shlomo. Listen, don't worry. I'm taking good care of you here. What's that? For your considerable trouble. As the Talmud says... I don't give a shit what he says, okay? You want to give your son-in-law % of the motel? You go ahead. It comes out of your end. Now, we got you your get. You get us our %. Got it? My son was right. You're mud. Godless clay! I created a living golem! What the f*ck is a golem? It's a monster! Frankenstein! - Get out of here... - Living dead! ...before I take your assh*le son and shove him up your ass! Shut up! [SHLOMO SPEAKS IN YIDDISH] Hey. Hey, how you doing? One second. [MACHINE BEEPS] I got some good news. We're in the motel business. How do you like that? Read this. [MACHINE BEEPS] . . They should take my temperature with the other machine. Paulie broke his hand on the guy's head. - Digital. - We're waling on this guy. - I'm gonna cut his dick off. - I'll call the nurse. He's mumbling and praying. I'm getting his pants off. They should take my temperature again. Yeah, yeah, call them. Poor Jackie. God has his reasons. Livia, he looked twice as old as me. So, what's really on your mind, Corrado? This Christopher Moltisanti. Christopher? What about him? Him and his little friend. They're slapping me in the face, and they're hiding behind Tony. Well, Tony always loved Christopher like a son. And so do I, Junior. He put up my storm windows for me one year. Good. But what do I do? I just let him and this Filone kid piss on me in public? And how far do I go before I light a frigging match... ...under that hotheaded son of yours? Maybe Christopher could use a little talking to. You know. The other one... ...Filone? I don't know. You got a lot of sense for an old gal. No, I'm a babbling idiot. That's why my son put me in a nursing home. He didn't even care I was there. It was just him and that f*cking cancer. It's like he's already gone. Yes. Ah. [SIGHS] Somebody called me a Frankenstein today. Really? This Hasid I'm doing business with. These Hasids, I mean, they're out there... ...but they got their beliefs, you know? They're not afraid of death. This one guy wasn't. Maybe they have the belief because they are afraid. I'm not afraid of death. Not if it's for something. You know? A w*r, something like that. A reason. But Jackie... To see this strong... ...beautiful man... ...just wither away to nothing... And you can't do nothing about it. You can't fight it. You envy the Hasids and their beliefs? All this shit's for nothing? If it's for nothing, why must I think about it? That's the mystery, isn't it? The mystery of God, or whatever you want to call it... ...and why we're given the questionable gift... ...of knowing that we're gonna die. [SNIFFS] Do you feel like Frankenstein? A thing? Lacking humanity? Lacking human feelings? [KIDS SINGING] [SINGING] Thank you. That's for you. Say hello to Freddy, all right? Let go! [SINGING CONTINUES] Let me go! Let me go! [SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] You're friends of Tony's goomar, right? Meadow wanted the crystal. If I didn't get it to her, she would've went to Jefferson. You tell Tony. They would've b*at her and r*ped her! I don't want to die now! I didn't mean it. I am sorry! Listen to me! I was trying to save her! Listen to me! You speak English? Don't sh**t me! Don't sh**t! [g*n CLICKS] [MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] [GROANS] f*ck! [SINGING] [SINGING] [SINGING] Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack. [WATER SPLASHES] [SINGING]
List of diss tracks
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The following is a list of diss tracks, songs the primary purpose of which is to verbally attack someone else, usually another artist.
Traditional recordings[edit]
This is a dynamic list and may never be able to satisfy particular standards for completeness. You can help by adding missing items with reliable sources.
Date Released
Song Title
Artist(s)
Target(s)
Response to
(if applicable)
Notes
Ref(s)
1754
"Yankee Doodle"
Dr. Richard Schuckberg
George Washington and the colonial "Yankee" troops
American Revolution
The song was sung by British troops to mock the colonial troops with whom they served during the French and Indian War. By 1781, the song was used by Americans as an anthem of national pride.
[1]
1840
"Tippecanoe and Tyler Too"
Whig Party
Martin Van Buren
1840 United States presidential election
The song is a parody of the minstrel song "Little Pigs". It was written by Alexander Coffman Ross as a campaign song for Whig candidate William Henry Harrison, and refers to the incumbent Martin Van Buren (who only stood 5'6") in rather belittling terms.
1863
"Union Dixie"
Daniel Decatur Emmett
Confederate States of America
American Civil War
Parody of the minstrel song "Dixie" that extolled the supposed virtues of the south, including slavery.[2] The parody, believed to have been spread by union soldiers, instead mocks the south.
[3]
1911
"The Preacher and the Slave"
Joe Hill
Salvation Army
In the Sweet By-and-By and Salvation Army recruitment efforts
Joe Hill mocks the focus on faith and an afterlife, rather than practical concerns, of the Salvation Army.
1938
"La Gota Fría"
Emiliano Zuleta
Lorenzo Morales
Zuleta mocks Morales in the lyrics for fleeing from an accordion challenge. The song became a standard and is one of best known in the vallenato repertoire.
[4]
1939
Hitler Has Only Got One Ball
British Army
Adolf Hitler, Hermann Göring, Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels
1941
"When That Man Is Dead And Gone"
Al Bowlly
Adolf Hitler, Hermann Göring
The Blitz
1941
"You're a Sap, Mr. Jap"
The Murphy Sisters
Hirohito
The attack on Pearl Harbor
The song was written by Carl Hoff and published just days after the United States declared war on Imperial Japan.
1942
"Njet Molotoff"
Composed by Matti Jurva and was written by Tatu Pekkarinen
Soviet minister for war Vyacheslav Molotov
The Soviet invasion of Finland 1939
1943
"Der Fuehrer's Face"
Oliver Wallace
Adolf Hitler and the Nazis
WW2
The song mocks the Nazis as bumbling fools who blindly follow the non-sensical orders of their leaders.
[5]
1970
"Happy Family"
King Crimson
The Beatles
Their break up
This song is about the break up of the Beatles in 1970 due to differing circumstances/direction/and beliefs.
[6]
"Too Many People"
Paul McCartney
John Lennon and Yoko Ono
The Beatles' breakup
[7][8]
c. 1971
"Kinky Boots"
The Irish Brigade
British Army
Parody of Melanie's "Brand New Key", sung from the perspective of the British Army. The song implies British soldiers to be gay.
[9][better source needed]
1971
"How Do You Sleep?"
John Lennon
former Beatles bandmate Paul McCartney
Personal slights Lennon felt McCartney made on the latter's album Ram
[10][11][12]
"Five Per Cent For Nothing"
Yes
Former manager Roy Flynn
An agreement negotiated by Flynn, who they had fired the year before, that gave him five percent of the band's revenues in perpetuity.
The title of this 35-second instrumental, the shortest song Yes has ever recorded, was changed after the band learned of Flynn's deal
[13]
1972
"You're So Vain"
Carly Simon
Warren Beatty
Simon admitted in 2015 that Beatty was the principal subject of the song.
[14]
1974
"Sweet Home Alabama"
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Neil Young and George Wallace
Young's Southern Man and Alabama
The band felt that Young had slandered the entire American South based on the actions of a few individuals.
1975
"Death on Two Legs (Dedicated to...)"
Queen
Norman Sheffield
Sheffield's alleged mismanagement and embezzlement of the band's earnings
[15]
1977
"Pigs (Three Different Ones)"
Pink Floyd
Margaret Thatcher and Mary Whitehouse
The song's writer, Roger Waters has stated that the second and third verses of the song are directed at the two political figures respectively. The first verse of the song is more general and is widely agreed upon by fans to be directed at businessmen in general.[16]
[17]
"Idiot Box"
the Damned
Television and Tom Verlaine
Television refusing to allow the Damned to play a show with them.
[18]
1979
"California über alles"
Dead Kennedys
Jerry Brown
Brown's campaign for president
Satire of Brown from his perspective. Imagining a "Hippie fascist" society.
[19]
1984
"Roxanne's Revenge"
Roxanne Shante
U.T.F.O.
Most notable remake of UTFO's "Roxanne, Roxanne", which led to hip hop's first rap beef.
[20]
1985
"The Showstopper"
Salt-N-Pepa
Doug E. Fresh And Slick Rick
"Zanz Kant Danz"
John Fogerty
Saul Zaentz
Fogerty's long-standing financial dispute with Zaentz and his label Fantasy Records.
The song was altered and re-titled "Vanz Kant Danz" a few months after the release of the album Centerfield in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid a defamation lawsuit from Zaentz. The altered version appears on all post-1985 pressings of the album.
October 12, 1986
"Scum"
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
NME journalists Mat Snow and Antonella Black
Single-sided flexidisc given away at gigs promoting Your Funeral... My Trial and including a fold-out poster of the lyrics. Later included on CD pressings of the album.
[21]
December 1, 1986
"South Bronx"
Boogie Down Productions
MC Shan and the Juice Crew
DJ Mr. Magic's criticism of one of KRS-One's early records.
The first diss track in The Bridge Wars. The exact release date of the single is unknown; its album was published March 3, 1987.
[22]
March 3, 1987
"The Bridge Is Over"
Boogie Down Productions
MC Shan, Marley Marl, the Juice Crew, Roxanne Shante and rappers from Queens, NY and the Queensbridge projects.
"The Bridge" by MC Shan
Part of The Bridge Wars, one of the earliest hip-hop rivalries.
[22]
August 8, 1987
"Kill That Noise"
MC Shan
Boogie Down Productions
"South Bronx"
Part of The Bridge Wars
[23]
November 3, 1987
"How Ya Like Me Now"
Kool Moe Dee
LL Cool J
The claim that LL Cool J stole his rap style
[24]
January 19, 1988
"Liar"
Megadeth
past band member Chris Poland
Lead vocalist/guitarist Dave Mustaine claimed Poland was stealing guitars and selling them for heroin money.
[25]
September 28, 1988
"Miracle Man"
Ozzy Osbourne
Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart
Swaggart's various controversies
Osbourne attacks Swaggart over his hypocrisy of being a televangelist that preaches moral behavior while also engaging in sin and vice.
[26]
1990
"Full Metal Jackoff"
Jello Biafra with D.O.A.
George H. W. Bush, Dan Quayle, and Oliver North
The policies of the Bush-Quayle administration and North's involvement in the Iran-Contra Affair
Amidst a long list of grievances with the United States, Biafra calls out George Bush ("moral equivalent of a serial killer"), Dan Quayle ("Just get a vice president so dumb, the crook at the top never gets impeached") and Oliver North ("patriotic hero," with heavy sarcasm) for their specific behavior.
June 17, 1990
"To da Break of Dawn"
LL Cool J
Kool Moe Dee, Ice-T, and MC Hammer
The Syndicate and I'm Your Pusher by Ice-T
After the two disses in 1988, Ice-T later defended Cool J when he was arrested for profanity in his 1989 track Freedom of Speech, before LL Cool J released his response diss.
[27]
August 14, 1990
"100 Miles and Runnin'" and "Real Niggaz"
N.W.A.
Ice Cube
Start of the N.W.A.-Ice Cube rivalry; Ice Cube left the group over royalty disputes after the Straight Outta Compton Tour, leading the other N.W.A. members to refer to him as a "traitor".
[28]
March 4, 1991
"Fuck Compton"
Tim Dog
DJ Quik, Michel'le, N.W.A, Compton, West Coast Rap, and Gangsta Rap
East Coast–West Coast hip hop rivalry
[29]
August 13, 1991
"Word to the Badd!!"
Jermaine Jackson
Michael Jackson
The song was changed for the album
[30]
October 29, 1991
"No Vaseline"
Ice Cube
former N.W.A bandmates Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, MC Ren, DJ Yella and their manager, Jerry Heller
"100 Miles and Runnin'" & "Real Niggaz" from 100 Miles and Runnin' and "Message to B.A." from efiL4zaggiN by N.W.A
Ice Cube had previously made brief disses to N.W.A on his Kill at Will EP in the tracks Jackin' For Beats and I Gotta Say What Up!!!
[27][31]
December 9, 1991
“Miserablism”
Pet Shop Boys
Morrissey
Tennant pokes fun at Morrissey’s miserable persona and how seriously he was taken by the shoegazing crowd in the 1990s.
[32]
February 2, 1992
"Faht"
Phish
Windham Hill Records
Originally titled "Windham Hell," the song pokes fun at the New Age music label.
[33][self-published source]
July 20, 1992
"Tha Last Word"
DJ Quik
MC Eiht
Response to Comptons Most Wanted Song "Def Wish"
September 29, 1992
"Def Wish II"
Compton's Most Wanted
DJ Quik
Reply Back to Dj Quik for his diss songs on his album "Way 2 Fonky"
December 15, 1992
"Fuck wit Dre Day (And Everybody's Celebratin')"
Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg
Eazy-E, Tim Dog, and Luther (Luke) Campbell
"Fuck Compton" by Tim Dog
Eazy-E was Dre's former accomplice from the group N.W.A
[27]
August 26, 1993
"Real Muthaphuckkin G's"
Eazy-E feat. Dresta and B.G. Knocc Out
Former N.W.A bandmate Dr. Dre, his protégé Snoop Dogg, and their record label Death Row Records
Fuck wit Dre Day (And Everybody's Celebratin') and "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre
[27]
October 19, 1993
“It’s on”
Eazy-E
Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre and Tha Dogg Pound
Another diss track from Eazy-E in response to comments made about him from Dre’s debut The Chronic. This song also had several shots thrown at Snoop Dogg calling him broke, a fake gangsta, and that he gets no love from Long Beach.
Contains some very smart word plays of well-known lines off of “Deep Cover”, “Nuthin' But A "G” Thang" and “Fuck Wit Dre Day”.
[34]
August 23, 1994
"What Would You Do?"
Tha Dogg Pound feat. Snoop Dogg
B.G. Knocc Out, Dresta, Eazy-E, MC Eiht, Cold 187um and Ruthless Records
The first single of Death Row Records, a company that was basically created as a protest to Ruthless Records
[35]
June 16, 1995
"D.S."
Michael Jackson
Tom Sneddon
After Michael Jackson was accused of child sexual abuse, Thomas W. Sneddon Jr., district attorney for Santa Barbara County, led an investigation of Jackson. Jackson was subject to his genitalia being photographed during the search.
[36]
November 21, 1995
"I Shot Ya"
LL Cool J
2Pac Shakur
Produced by the Trackmasters, the remix of LL Cool J’s "I Shot Ya" is a posse cut that features then-up and coming New York MC’s Prodigy of Mobb Deep, Fat Joe, the debuting Foxy Brown, and Keith Murray, who was previously featured in the original version of "I Shot Ya," spitting the track’s hook inspired by a line from LL’s hit single "I’m Bad"
March 1, 1996
"L.A., L.A."
Capone-N-Noreaga feat. Mobb Deep And Tragedy Khadafi
Tha Dogg Pound, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and the Los Angeles hip hop scene
"New York, New York"
[27][verification needed]
June 4, 1996
"Hit 'Em Up"
Tupac Shakur feat. The Outlawz
Lil Kim, Mobb Deep, Sean Combs, Bad Boy Records & the Notorious B.I.G., also known as Biggie Smalls
"Who Shot Ya?" by The Notorious B.I.G. and Diddy
One of the most influential tracks in the East Coast–West Coast hip hop rivalry. Appears on the B-side to the single "How Do U Want It".
[37]
August 25, 1996
"Drop a Gem on 'Em"
Mobb Deep
Tupac Shakur
Shakur's "Hit 'Em Up"
[38]
September 10, 1996
"The Bitch in Yoo"
Common
Ice Cube, Mack 10 and WC
The trio's earlier track "Westside Slaughterhouse"
"Westside Slaughterhouse" was itself a response to Common's 1994 song, "I Used to Love H.E.R.", in which Common criticized gangster rappers.
[27][verification needed]
September 26, 1996
"Against All Odds"
Tupac Shakur
Nas, Mobb Deep, Haitian Jack, Sean "Puffy" Combs, Jimmy Henchman, King Tut, Stretch, De La Soul, Jay-Z, Notorious B.I.G. and Dr. Dre
"Drop a Gem on 'Em" by Mobb Deep
[39]
1996
"I Shot Ya"
DMX
Tupac Shakur
East Coast–West Coast hip hop rivalry
DMX's freestyle was made before Tupac's Murder
[40]
"King of the Hill"
Westside Connection
Cypress Hill
Cypress Hill's "No Rest for the Wicked"
March 25, 1997
"Kick in the Door"
The Notorious B.I.G.
Nas, Jeru the Damaja, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, 2Pac and even the track's producer DJ Premier
[41]
February 10, 1998
"Get At Me Dog"
DMX
K-Solo, 2Pac
The perceived "softness" of the rap industry
DMX's first single,
[42]
February 12, 1998
"'97 Bonnie & Clyde"
Eminem
Kim Mathers
March 24, 1998
"Second Round K.O."
Canibus
LL Cool J
"4, 3, 2, 1"
Despite both artists collaborating on "4, 3, 2, 1", they felt that their original verses were dissing each other, and were asked to re-write them for the final track. However, only Canibus' verse was changed for the song.
[43]
August 25, 1998
"Lost Ones"
Lauryn Hill
Wyclef Jean
While never confirmed, many believe this track is about Wyclef Jean, including Jean himself according to their former bandmate Pras.
[44]
November 24, 1998
"Troublesome '96"
Tupac Shakur
Nas, Bad Boy Records
"The Message"
"The Message" was a diss by Nas dissing The Notorious B.I.G. but Tupac mistook it as a diss for him, and "Troublesome '96" samples "The Message" and has subtle disses to Nas and Bad Boy.
[citation needed]
1998
"The Ripper Strikes Back"
LL Cool J
Canibus
Canibus'
"Second Round K.O."
March 14, 1999
"Quiet Storm"
Mobb Deep feat. Lil' Kim
Foxy Brown
Part of a long-running feud between the two artists. Foxy Brown responded[45] and the feud subsequently led to a shooting with more than 20 shots fired.[46]
[27]
August 10, 1999
"How to Rob"
50 Cent
Dozens of artists
A young 50 Cent was looking for a hit, so he made this song, which dissed almost 50 different artists. He even received a response from Jay-Z.[47]
[27]
October 12, 1999
"Your Life's on the Line"
50 Cent
Ja Rule
[27]
November 1, 1999
"The Agony of Laffitte" / "Laffitte Don't Fail Me Now"
Spoon
Ron Laffitte and Sylvia Rhone
Laffitte was the A&R at Elektra Records, who signed Spoon to an ill-fated deal, allegedly mishandled the band and was fired by the label. Rhone was the label head who promised to keep the band on the roster then dropped them after Laffitte's departure.
[48]
November 16, 1999
"Callin' Out Names"
Kurupt
DMX, Foxy Brown, Ja Rule, Irv Gotti & 50 Cent
50 Cent mentioning him in "How to Rob" and Foxy Brown cheating on him with DMX
December 21, 1999
"Letter To The President"
Outlawz
Bill Clinton
April 18, 2000
"The Real Slim Shady"
Eminem
MTV
The network's perceived hypocrisy in censoring his material while allowing programs such as The Tom Green Show to air uncut.
May 23, 2000
"Kim"
Eminem
Kim Mathers
A restraining order preventing him from seeing his daughter.
March 27, 2001
"All Out"
Outlawz
Bad Boy Records, The Notorious B.I.G., Jay-Z
"Brooklyn's Finest" by Jay- and Z
"Kick In The Door" by The Notorious B.I.G.
September 11, 2001
"Takeover"
Jay-Z
Nas and Prodigy of Mobb Deep
[49]
December 4, 2001
"Ether"
Nas
Jay-Z
Jay-Z's "Takeover"
[49]
December 11, 2001
"Supa Ugly"
Jay-Z
Nas
Nas' "Ether"
[49]
January 1, 2002
"Hate Me Now"
Camron
Nas
Response to "Hate Me Now"
This is a diss song aimed at rapper Nas. The song contains samples and interpolations from various songs including Nas' Hate me Now, Tupac’s Against All Odds and Jay-Z’s Takeover
November 21, 2002
"The Sauce"
Eminem
Benzino
Eminem and Benzino feud
One of four diss tracks released on Shady Times: Invasion, Pt. 1, in the feud between Eminem and Benzino
"Nail In the Coffin"
Response to "Pull Your Skirt Up"
"Nail in the Coffin" is one of four diss tracks released on Shady Times: Invasion, Pt. 1, in the feud between Eminem and Benzino. The song was premiered on November 21 by DJ Kay Slay along with "The Sauce." In the song, Em responds to several disses on Benzino’s "Pull Your Skirt Up", that was released one and a half months earlier.
November 25, 2002
"Cry Me a River"
Justin Timberlake
Britney Spears
Spears responded in "Everytime".
[50]
2002
"Ova Here"
KRS-One
Nelly
Nelly's "#1"
KRS-One mistook a line in Nelly's song as a diss towards him. The title of the name didn't help due to one of his songs as part of Boogie Down Productions, "I'm Still #1" (a song where he called himself the best), having a similar name. In the end, it was seen as one big misunderstanding.
March 4, 2003
"Came Back for You"
Lil' Kim
Eve, Foxy Brown
Eve's "Let Me Blow Ya Mind"
April 15, 2003
"Hailie’s Revenge"
Eminem, Hailie Jade, Obie Trice, D12
Benzino, Ja Rule
Ja Rule’s "Loose Change"
This song serves as Eminem joining in on the 50 Cent/Ja Rule beef
October 7, 2003
"Be a Man"
Randy Savage
Hulk Hogan
[51]
November 7, 2003
"Can-I-Bitch"
Eminem
Canibus
2004
"99 Problems"
T.I.
Lil' Flip
March 1, 2005
"300 Bars N Runnin'"
The Game
G-Unit, Roc-A-Fella Records
March 3, 2005
"Piggy Bank"
50 Cent
Nas, Ja Rule, Jadakiss, Shyne, Sheek Louch, Cassidy, Lil’ Kim Kelis, Fat Joe, The Lox, The Game
"300 Bars N Runnin'" by The Game
[citation needed]
March 22, 2005
"Hollaback Girl"
Gwen Stefani
Courtney Love
Love referring to Stefani as a "cheerleader" in an interview.
Love also claimed to have slept with Stefani's then-husband Gavin Rossdale.
[52]
August 15, 2005
"Don't Body Ya Self"
Nas
50 Cent
50 Cent's Piggy Bank
2005
"Not Rich, Still Lyin'"
50 Cent
The Game
"300 Bars N Runnin'"
December 21, 2006
"Dear Mr. President"
Pink
George W. Bush
Policies of the Bush administration
2006
"Bitch Boy"
Spider Loc
The Game
"Toe Tag"
"G-Unot Killa"
"No More Games"
Spider Loc featuring Young Buck
The Game
"Checkmate"
Jadakiss
50 Cent
50 Cent's "Piggy Bank"
"240 Bars (Spider Joke)"
The Game
Spider Loc, Tony Yayo, M.O.P., Young Buck
"No More Games", "G-Unot Killa", "Toe Tag", and "Bitch Boy" by Spider Loc
"The Funeral 100 Bars"
G-Unit
"Piggy Bank" by 50 Cent
"Don't Stop"
Outlawz
C. Delores Tucker and Bob Dole
Tucker and Dole proposing censorship of gangsta rap
[53]
2006
”Not Everybody Likes Us”
Hank Williams III
Kid Rock, country pop
Kid Rock claiming to be a country artist, when he shares little resemblance to true country music or the singers grandfather, Hank Williams Sr.
2007
"My Bitch"
The Game
G-Unit, Jay-Z, Suge Knight
A Hot 97 freestyle by Jay-Z which The Game perceived as a diss
"Body Bags"
Tony Yayo
June 16, 2009
"Obsessed"
Mariah Carey
Eminem
Eminem's claims to have dated Carey in 2001.
[54]
July 6, 2009
"United Breaks Guitars"
Dave Carroll
United Airlines
United Airlines employees breaking Carroll's guitar while on board a flight
July 28, 2009
"Ovarios"
Jenni Rivera
Graciela Beltran
[55]
July 30, 2009
"The Warning"
Eminem
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon
Carey's "Obsessed"
[54][56]
October 30, 2010
"Roman's Revenge"
Nicki Minaj
Lil' Kim
Even though this track is included in this list, it was confirmed that the track was not particularly meant to diss Lil'Kim.
[57]
February 14, 2011
"Black Friday"
Lil' Kim
Nicki Minaj
Minaj's "Roman's Revenge"
Response to Nicki Minaj's "Pink Friday" album.
[58]
June 1, 2011
"Raised by Wolves"
Falling in Reverse
Escape the Fate
[citation needed]
July 18, 2011
"Ill Mind of Hopsin 4"
Hopsin
Tyler, the Creator
December 11, 2011
"J Clone"
Canibus
J Cole
Canibus, annoyed that J Cole (who had declared that Canibus was his all-time favorite rapper) was spitting his rhymes at concerts and in interviews, posted about his anger at J Cole on Facebook and dissed him on this track.
December 20, 2011
"Stupid Hoe"
Nicki Minaj
Lil' Kim
Black Friday
2012
"Reagan"
Killer Mike
Ronald Reagan
Ronald Reagan's policies as president, including Reaganomics
[59]
December 4, 2014
"Las Cartas Sobre la Mesa"
Santaflow
Porta
[citation needed]
March 20, 2015
"Pepper Riddim"
Chipmunk
Big Narstie, Bugzy Malone, Devilman, Saskilla, DJ Cameo, Tinie Tempah
Response to being dissed by these artists after Chipmunk's Fire in The Booth.
[60]
March 25, 2015
"Chipmunk Reply"
Devilman featuring Mr. Traumatik
Chipmunk, Skepta, Jammer, Lil Wayne, JME
"Pepper Riddim" by Chipmunk
[61][60]
"Relegation Riddim"
Bugzy Malone
Chipmunk
[60]
"Off My Shoulder"
Saskilla
[60]
May 17, 2015
"Bad Blood"
Taylor Swift
Katy Perry
Perry allegedly stealing Swift's backup dancers for her Prismatic World Tour.
Selena Gomez, Lena Dunham, Hailee Steinfeld, Gigi Hadid, Ellie Goulding, Cara Delevingne, Zendaya, Jessica Alba, Cindy Crawford, and others appeared in the music video.
[62]
July 29, 2015
"Charged Up"
Drake
Meek Mill
Response to Meek Mill's claim that Drake uses ghostwriters.
[63]
July 31, 2015
"Back to Back"
[64]
July 31, 2015
"Wanna Know"
Meek Mill
Drake
Drake's "Charged Up" and "Back to Back"
[citation needed]
December 31, 2015
"Facts"
Kanye West
Nike, Inc
Falling out between Kanye and Nike
Promotes Kanye's Adidas Yeezy Boost line and denounces his affiliation with competitor Nike.
[65]
January 25, 2016
"Flatline"
B.o.B
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
B.o.B's promotion of the conspiracy theory that the earth is flat.
[66][67][68]
January 26, 2016
"Flat To Fact"
TYSON feat. Neil DeGrasse Tyson
B.o.B
B.o.B's "Flatline"
[citation needed]
16 October 2016
"Shout Out to My Ex"
Little Mix
Zayn Malik
Malik's break-up with group member Perrie Edwards.
[69]
January 4, 2017
"Another Earth"
Pink Guy
Young Thug
[70]
February 25, 2017
"shETHER"
Remy Ma
Nicki Minaj
Minaj's verse on Gucci Mane's Gucci Mane.
[citation needed][71]
March 10, 2017
"No Frauds"
Nicki Minaj, Drake and Lil Wayne
Remy Ma
"shETHER"
[citation needed][71]
May 18, 2017
"Calle Sin Salida"
Tempo
Residente
The song was written by Tempo after the Puerto Rican singer Residente gave an interview saying that modern music lacks creativity, obviously heading towards Reggaetón, a genre in which Tempo specializes.
[citation needed]
"Mis Disculpas"
Residente
Tempo
[citation needed]
May 19, 2017
"Swish Swish"
Katy Perry feat Nicki Minaj
Taylor Swift
"Bad Blood"
Gaten Matarazzo, Jenna Ushkowitz, Doug the Pug, Molly Shannon, Bill Walton, Terry Crews, and others made appeared in the music video.
[62]
May 23, 2017
"No Suburban"
Sheff G
22Gz
22Gz's "Suburban"
[citation needed]
June 4, 2017
"El Bruto"
Tempo
Residente
[citation needed]
June 11, 2017
"La Cátedra"
Residente
Tempo
[citation needed]
August 24, 2017
"Look What You Made Me Do"
Taylor Swift
Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and Katy Perry
Response to West's "Famous", and possibly Perry's "Swish Swish".
[62][72][73]
September 1, 2017
"How Do You Sleep?"
LCD Soundsystem
Tim Goldsworthy
While this correlation hasn't been confirmed, many have pointed to the lyrics being in reference to a DFA Records lawsuit filed against Goldsworthy in 2013 for $93,899, accusing him of "breach of contract" and using DFA Records' bank accounts in an unauthorized manner.
[74][75]
November 1, 2017
"Quite Good Considering (Rosalind's a F*****g Nightmare)"
Products of Conception feat. Bob Mortimer, Aisling Bea & Sally Phillips
Rosalind Zeffertt
Composed on site & sung to Rosalind on Taskmaster after getting to know her for only 5 minutes.
Rosalind tweeted to Aisling Bea that she "loved" the song.[76]
[77]
February 13, 2018
"Mia Khalifa"
iLoveFriday
Mia Khalifa
A fake tweet credited to Khalifa in which she allegedly criticizes group member Aqsa for smoking in a hijab in a music video.
[78]
March 26, 2018
"Dead Friends"
Rich the Kid
Lil Uzi Vert
February 13, 2018
"Rich Forever"
Lil Uzi Vert
Rich the Kid
May 25, 2018
"Infrared"
Pusha-T
Drake and Lil Wayne
[citation needed]
"Duppy Freestyle"
Drake
Pusha T and Kanye West
Pusha-T's "Infrared"
Same-day response.
[citation needed]
May 29, 2018
"The Story of Adidon"
Pusha-T
Drake
Drake's "Duppy Freestyle"
Released four days after Duppy Freestyle; earned a response in Drake's album Scorpion.
[citation needed]
June 1, 2018
"I Kill People"
Trippie Redd feat. Chief Keef and Tadoe
6ix9ine
All three have feuded with 6ix9ine.
[79]
August 31, 2018
"Not Alike"
Eminem feat. Royce da 5'9"
Machine Gun Kelly
Comments Kelly made about Eminem's daughter when she was underage.
[80]
September 3, 2018
"Rap Devil"
Machine Gun Kelly
Eminem
Eminem's "Not Alike", released four days prior to Rap Devil.
Reached No. 1 on the U.S. iTunes Chart.[citation needed]
[81]
September 11, 2018
"Intocable (Tiradera pa' Cosculluela)"
Anuel AA
Cosculluela
[citation needed]
September 14, 2018
"Killshot"
Eminem
Machine Gun Kelly, P. Diddy
Machine Gun Kelly's "Rap Devil"
Debuted at number three on the US Billboard Hot 100 in its first week.[citation needed]
[82]
September 19, 2018
"Love Tap"
Bizarre
Joe Budden and Jay Electronica
Response to Electronica's comments about Eminem's "Killshot" on alleged involvement of Diddy in the murder of Tupac Shakur and sobriety of Budden.
[83]
November 9, 2018
"Arrest the President"
Ice Cube
Donald Trump
Includes references to accusations Trump colluded with Russia to win the 2016 Presidential election and Trump administration policies effecting African-Americans.
[84]
December 9, 2019
"The Invitation"
Nick Cannon feat. Suge Knight, Hitman Holla, Charlie Clips & Prince Eazy
Eminem
Stemming from Eminem's feud with Cannon's ex-wife, Mariah Carey ten years earlier, These are a response to Eminem's feature on the song "Lord Above", in which he disses Cannon. All three songs were widely disliked by the public. Eminem responded on Twitter with two tweets instead of another track.[85]
[86]
December 10, 2019
"Pray For Him"
Nick Cannon feat. The Black Squad
December 19, 2019
"The Invitation Canceled"
Nick Cannon
January 9, 2020
"ded sheeran (ed sheeran send) part 1"
black midi
Ed Sheeran
A seemingly satirical diss.[speculation?]
[citation needed]
May 8, 2020
"No Suburban Pt. 2"
Sheff G
22Gz
Response to 22Gz's "Suburban Pt. 2"
November 20, 2020
"Shots Fired"
Megan Thee Stallion
Tory Lanez
Lanez shooting Megan Thee Stallion in both her feet.
[87]
January 29, 2021
"Should've Ducked"
Lil Durk feat. Pooh Shiesty
FBG Duck
Duck was a rival gang member of and had a dispute with Durk's deceased friend King Von.
February 5, 2021
"Kill All Rats"
Griselda
6ix9ine
The diss was directed at 6ix9ine due to him feuding with Griselda member Benny the Butcher. It began when 69's manager asked Benny for a collaboration and Benny denied, and then denounced him on Twitter, 69 then responded insulting Benny.
[88][89][90]
February 19, 2021
"ZAZA"
6ix9ine
Lil Durk, Meek Mill
In the song, 6ix9ine references Pooh Shiesty's Back in Blood in a mocking fashion and speaks about King Von, late friend of Lil Durk. The end of the YouTube video also showed a clip between a verbal altercation between Meek and 6ix9ine, which was later deleted.
[91]
September 2021 (Leaked)
"Life of the Party"
Kanye West feat. André 3000
Drake
Leaked by Drake on his Sound 42 Sirius XM radio show on September 4. West's verse featured prominent disses towards Drake.
West later released the song without the diss verse as a bonus track on his studio album Donda, replacing it with a new verse talking about his childhood and family, and Andre 3000's verse left intact.
[92]
October 30, 2021
"Super Gremlin"
Kodak Black
Jackboy
The song is a diss towards Kodak Black's former associate and friend Jackboy.
[citation needed]
January 12, 2022
"Bring the Hook"
YoungBoy Never Broke Again
King Von
In this song, YoungBoy disses the late King Von, who was killed in an altercation with YoungBoy affiliate Quando Rondo.
[citation needed]
February 22, 2022
"Ahhh Ha"
Lil Durk
YoungBoy Never Broke Again
"Bring the Hook"
[citation needed]
February 22, 2022
"I Hate YoungBoy"
YoungBoy Never Broke Again
Lil Durk, Gucci Mane, Boosie Badazz, Apple Music, Lil Baby, King Von
"Ahhh Ha"
[citation needed]
March 4, 2022
"Publicity Stunt"
Gucci Mane
YoungBoy Never Broke Again
"I Hate YoungBoy"
[citation needed]
April 15, 2022
"GINÉ"
6ix9ine
Lil Durk and King Von
Aimed at Lil Durk for not seeking revenge for King Von’s murder.
[citation needed]
June 24, 2022
"Late to da Party"
Lil Nas X feat. YoungBoy Never Broke Again
Black Entertainment Television
Recorded after a failure to nominate Lil Nas X at the BET Awards 2022, which took place 2 days after single's release.
[citation needed]
YouTube[edit]
These diss tracks are known for their distribution via the YouTube platform, often because they were made by YouTubers. Although created by entertainers outside of the traditional music industry, these songs found significant audiences, RIAA certifications, and news coverage outside the platform.[93][94][95]
Video has been deleted
Video is "private"
Video is "unlisted"
YouTube diss tracks
Date Released
Song Title
Artist(s)
Target(s)
Response to
(if applicable)
Notes
April 4, 2017
"I Didn't Hit Her"
RiceGum
The Gabbie Show
RiceGum's response to assault allegations against him from Gabbie Hanna.[95]
May 30, 2017
"It's Everyday Bro"
Jake Paul feat. Team 10
Alissa Violet
Certified RIAA Platinum;[96] Reached No. 91 on the Billboard Hot 100.[94] It peaked as the third most-disliked video on YouTube. Ignited a wave of feuds that played out through diss tracks.[97]
June 1, 2017
"Logang Sucks"
Jake Paul
Logan Paul and his fans
June 3, 2017
"The Fall of Jake Paul"
Logan Paul feat. Why Don't We
Jake Paul
Jake Paul's "Logang Sucks"
The largest feud among those incited by Jake Paul's "It's Everyday Bro."[98][97] Logan Paul's most-viewed video.[99]
June 9, 2017
"It's Every Night Sis"
RiceGum feat. Alissa Violet
Jake Paul
Jake Paul's "It's Everyday Bro"
Certified RIAA Platinum;[100][101][102] reached No. 80 on the Billboard Hot 100.[103][104][94]
August 5, 2017
"YouTube Stars Diss Track"
Jake Paul
The general press
Part diss track, part musical apology video.[98][105]
August 12, 2017
"Earthquake"
KSI feat. RiceGum
Behzinga
Behzinga's "Drama"
The music video was permanently deleted by KSI on 3 May 2020 after feuding with Ricegum.[106]
August 13, 2017
"Little Boy"
KSI
Wroetoshaw
Wroetoshaw's "KSI Sucks"
Reached No. 82 on the UK Singles chart.[107]
August 24, 2017
"Two Birds, One Stone"
KSI
Wroetoshaw and Joe Weller
Wroetoshaw's "KSI Exposed"
Reached No. 93 on the UK Singles chart.[107]
September 8, 2017
"Adam's Apple"
KSI
NetNobody (formerly SkyDoesMinecraft)
NetNobody's "Diss Track Ed"
Music video features NetNobody's ex-wife, Alesa; Reached No. 97 on the UK Singles chart.[107]
October 3, 2017
"Asian Jake Paul"
iDubbbz feat. Boyinaband
RiceGum
iDubbbz makes fun of Ricegum's many controversies and perceived narcissism[108]
October 10, 2017
"Frick Da Police"
Ricegum
iDubbbz
iDubbbz's "Asian Jake Paul"
Ricegum's response was received notoriously poorly, it is the 37th most-disliked video on YouTube.[108]
August 17, 2018
"On Point"
KSI
Logan Paul
Released as part of the two entertainers' feud, and eight days before it culminated in the white-collar amateur boxing match KSI vs. Logan Paul.[109][110][93]
August 21, 2018
"Goodbye KSI"
Logan Paul
KSI
KSI's "On Point"
Released as part of the two entertainers' feud, in response to KSI's "On Point",[111] and four days before it culminated in the white-collar amateur boxing match KSI vs. Logan Paul.[112][110][93]
September 20, 2018
"Yacht"
Gabi DeMartino
SSSniperwolf, and Ariana Grande's Fans
Released as a response to Ariana Grande's fans about the "Ariana Wannabe" thing, also released as a response to YouTuber SSSniperwolf diss video about her.[113]
October 5, 2018
"Bitch Lasagna"
PewDiePie and Party in Backyard
T-Series
Part of the feud PewDiePie vs T-Series.[114]
November 23, 2018
"Insecure"
Quadeca
KSI
March 31, 2019
"Congratulations"
PewDiePie, Boyinaband, RoomieOfficial
T-Series
T-Series surpassing PewDiePie in subscribers.
Part of the feud PewDiePie vs T-Series.[114]
June 5, 2020
Yalgaar
CarryMinati, Wily Frenzy
Release as a response to "YouTube vs Tiktok the End" controversy.[115][116]
February 14, 2021
"Coco"
PewDiePie
Cocomelon
Cocomelon surpassing PewDiePie in subscribers
The song's music video was terminated by YouTube for violating their community guidelines[117]
March 3, 2022
BZRP Music Sessions #49
Residente
J Balvin
Released as a response to boycott of J Balvin to 22nd Annual Latin Grammy Awards and to his public declarations about 2021 Colombian protests.
Freestyle session produced by Argentine Bizarrap[118]
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