How Do You Like My Biography?

[Mortuus 0]

Spiritual Activities

Escape was upon her, the exit was approaching, closer and closer. The horrible visions were fading as she came to a grinding halt. Something was pushing her back, away from safety. She could hear the footsteps, as loud as thunder emerging from the corridor. All was lost. Everything she had dreamed for was gone but she stood strong, fighting the sounds and frights in front of her. Suddenly, a blink of an eye faded her into her bedroom. She felt a cold rush of air pass by. Awoken by the harsh weather of hail and lightning she found herself lying there, feeling safe under her covers. It was dawn and the distinct sound of birds were crawling through her window. She stood up and faced the mirror. Her hair was a light-brown shade and her eyes were hazel. She had a pleasant light tan with several freckles scattered around her face. She walked over to her uniform and put it on. As she clipped her name tag on she looked at it reassuringly; it read Debbie.

 

Debbie grabbed her keys, made some lunch and opened the door revealing the garage behind it. She jumped in her car and pushed the key in the slot. As she turned it she felt disturbed, as if something was trying to interact with her. Ignoring it she put the car in reverse and drove down the driveway. She was interrupted by an extremely loud bang covering her music. It caused her to immediately lock all her doors and windows. The noise was continuously banging on top of her car. She paused for a moment, all of her nerves in her body were frozen and she couldn't think. Bracing herself for what might happen next she accelerated forward making her way to the Post Office in desperate need for someone to help her. She wasn't going to look at what was on the roof of her car until someone was nearby watching over her.

 

An intersection stopped her. The lights were red and the noise was louder than before. Waiting for a chance to go she noticed a car pull up beside her. Debbie waved her arms at the person beside her trying to attract attention but with no luck the person drove off. It made her think. Maybe there was nothing on the roof. Maybe it was all in her mind. She couldn't take the chance and stepped on the pedal speeding down the road. It had been 3 minutes and the noise was still pounding at the speed of a heartbeat. Nothing would stop her from arriving at the Post Office in her attempt to survive.

 

The banging over Debbie's roof had stopped as she approached the docks at the Post Office. She looked around her in case someone or something had jumped off the roof of her car. It was too dark to see anything other than people moving parcels and letters in front of her. She didn't unlock the doors or windows until her friends approached her. Debbie opened the car door and slid out. As she turned to the roof she could see that nothing was there. Thoughts of what it may have been circled around her head. Her friends aided her and asked her what had happened. She told them everything; the banging on her roof; the person in the car next to her and where she was now. It didn't make sense. Why was this happening and what was it? Debbie checked the car for dents or something to prove that this was real. Unfortunately she found no clues to what this may have been.

 

Eerie as it was she wanted to know what had happened, the conclusion that she came up with was a spiritual interaction. To this day it is unclear what had happened, but rest assured this was not normal.

[Forest 309]

Interesting... A few tips if I may:

 

1. You could elaborate on some of the smaller details that peak the reader's interest. Example: "The horrible visions were fading as she came to a grinding halt" What were the visions? Also, "Everything she had dreamed for was gone" What were her dreams?

 

2. Details on the scenery and setting. There's nothing worse then being dropped into a story with no perception as to the main character's whereabouts. Although you did let it be known that it was a dream later on, you could describe what her surroundings look like. It adds more interest to the reader. Example: "The corridor seemed to be endless, she pressed her hand to the wet cobblestone wall on her right assuringly, unable to see what was dwelling ahead." It allows the reader to add imagination to the story, in this case, drawing a dungeon-like hallway in their mind.

 

3. Few grammar problems here and there.

 

4. As the narrator, there are a few sentences that don't need to be in the story as they are obvious. Example: "... but rest assured this was not normal."

 

Other then those 4 tips, I think it was a rather well done short-story. Sorry for the 'lecture-like' reply. I'm always thorough in what I do.

 

- Dat guy, Forest

[Mortuus 0]

This was my first time writing a story :S But thanks for the constructive criticism XD

[Forest 309]

No problem, I didn't mean to dis or anything of the sort, just giving some tips :)

[DuckiiJr. 9]

Not bad! xD

[Oreo 0]

m3h